Should, or shoe-ldnt, you?
Dragging on cigarettes and sharing a lettuce leaf, Ms C and Ms V pondered an alarming message that had arrived in a Pinot Noir bottle through the morning mists of the campus lake. ‘Ms C and Ms V,’ it read, ‘my faux Uggs combusted quite spontaneously the other day. I am now reduced to cowering shoeless under my bed. Immediate assistance required.’
A call for help. A call to arms. A call, in fact, that, by happy chance, allows us to get a few little things off our chests; have a wee rant, if you will.
Ah shoes. Blister-inducing, pain-exciting adornments of the feet. Glittery, patent, heeled, flat, pointed, clackety, night-defining shoes. So many poor little toes rammed mercilessly into so many unforgiving, limp creating shoesies. So much choice, so many wrong decisions. Sadly it appears that here, in our very own mini Northern paradise, we have fallen into a rut. Ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have forgotten the endless possibilities of: The shoe. However, Nouse readers, do not fear. Grey Goose Martini and Vogue in hand, we have identified the three worst offenders on the York shoe menu. We ask only that you hear us out.
1. The Ugg boot. Mocked mercilessly even by those who themselves don them (and to this sin we remorsefully raise our hands). A cross between a teddy bear and a Wellington boot, and an opportunity for us to emulate having the feet (and stunted, shuffling walk) of a caterpillar.
2. Hiking boots. Are you really about to climb a mountain? Do you really, really like computers? Just buy some decent trainers. Please. We entreat you.
3. The high heel on campus. Girls, you have seen campus, yes? Concrete does not appreciate the stiletto and, from that grating sound when you walk, the reverse is also true.
So there it is. Our short yet unforgiving list. We do not demand a revolution, nor banner waving, nor indeed drug-induced chanting. Instead we ask only this: an exploration of the unknown, dear children. Greek sandals, S&M platforms, shoes made out of bin bags, even those little trainers that have wheels in the bottom favoured by ASBO children. Get creative. We would say the world is your oyster, but this is the University of York, so perhaps we’d better just go with ‘whelk’…
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