Silly sunglasses and slutty shoes

by Venetia Rainey | October 11th, 2007

Dressing up is not a pastime; it is a way of life. Freshers, you should probably read this statement one more time. Learn it off by heart. Hell, tattoo it on the inside of your elbow for all I care, but never, ever, forget it.

You could be forgiven for arriving at university armed with just a tie, vivacity of spirit and enthusiasm. It’s about meeting people and having fun, right? Wrong. Whilst you may well be forgiven, you will not be long endured. Those who have the most fun and make their way into the most pictures on Facebook (a goal you should keep in mind) are those who are either completely plastered or have a fantastic costume. For the sake of your new-found corridor friends, go for the latter, no one likes a puker.

‘But how, how, o wise second year?’ I hear you cry. Never fear, I have compiled a list of things you simply must get your grubby little mitts on. Whether by legal transaction or intoxicated pilfering: get it, fresher.

1. Red lipstick. This is for both boys and girls. For females I would suggest liberal application to the lips in order to attain a stylish ‘50s siren/up-for-it look (nb - ‘molls’ and ‘schoolgirls’ are just two of the euphemisms for the actual dress code: as slutty as you dare). For cocky males, a dab on the collar creates an instant aura of pimp-ocity, and for anyone else, try writing an amusing message on your chest to show that you’re a bit of a joker. If that fails just copy the girls; a bit of cross-dressing always goes down well here.

2. Ridiculous accessories. We’re talking hats (as many as you can manage: fireman, policeman, builder, priest), sunglasses (large heart-shaped pairs with pink rims and blue lenses, so big they act as wing mirrors. You’ll know when you see them.), ties, feather boas, handcuffs, cigarette holders, masks (much fun to be had, especially as no-one really knows who you are anyway…), etc. One warning: if you take it out and get drunk with it, it’s fair play for snatching. My advice would be to snatch faster. There’s always someone in Ziggy’s with a better hat.

3. An imagination. These can be hard to find, especially if you’re a heavy alcohol user. I suggest liaising with more introverted neighbours to raid their closet of ideas, or Google Images and wikihow.com always provide some sort of inspiration. Bin liners, cardboard boxes, tin foil and body paint will go a lot further than you would ever have guessed. The best costume I ever saw was a guy wearing a cardboard house the size of his body. He couldn’t move, dance or drink, but damn he looked cool, and that, boys and girls, is the point.

So good luck, dear newbies. Go forth and dress up, down and sideways to your heart’s content. Heed my nuggety nuggets of counsel, and if worst comes to worst, just wrap yourself in a copy of Nouse; at least you will have something to read when you tire of dancing to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ for the fifth time in a night.