Embracing a bright new future: poverty, crime and deviance

Everybody’s talking about it

So Heslington East has been approved and is set to go ahead any time soon (in the next 20 years). That’s fantastic, if you happen to be born post-2009, are vaguely intelligent and are set to apply to the University of York (the expanded version as opposed to the current dilapidated expanse of concrete slabs).

Perhaps if a fraction of the £500 million to be spent on the expansion were instead invested in the current university, students wouldn’t have to go without basic facilities, such as kitchens. It seems embarrassing that a (former) top 10 university has a running track that consists of dust and a few bits of gravel. I know York is quite far north, but athletics on a dusty road is pushing it.

Spending more on lecturers is again no excuse for worse facilities than many universities that are barely in the top 100. If the University continues with its Sheffield United-style budgeting (spend no money but expect to avoid relegation), it will continue to fall in the tables until we are left like Lancaster University: great facilities, limited intelligence using them.

As for the environmental damage that expansion would inflict, how could this be overlooked? Actually, I hate the countryside. Less mud and shit and more concrete, I say.

Penis Envy

So a number of transsexuals have been emerging from their bodily oppression, having sensed the University’s über-liberal attitude. Thankfully, my housemates and I are now able to adopt our male personas on a full-time basis since our group op in Romania. As Nikola and Roberta pointed out, being a woman was just no fun with all the washing, cooking and cleaning. Acquiring a penis seemed to be the only viable option.

We cheat not good

A thin man walks into an exam hall, sits down, stares blankly at an Economics paper for an hour and a half and gets himself arrested on the way out. Clearly not the trademarks of a criminal mastermind, then. The only person stupider is the rotund fellow “loitering agitatedly” outside when he should be inside working out Pareto efficiencies and drawing minimum wage diagrams. Not only is the guy he persuaded to sit his final exam for him a Management and not an Economics student, but he’s also from a lesser-known Birmingham university. Some friend, and some favour. Both are suspended, spend a night in the cells and are sentenced to 100 hours of trimming grannies’ bushes. The moral of the story? If you want a job done badly, you had better do it yourself.

Back door burglary

FTR has been taking fare-dodging students to court recently. As a bus traveller in London, in particular on the 185, the middle door was for one purpose: when you didn’t have the 40p fare. FTR, clearly not learning from the 185’s mistake, introduced a second door for free student travel. Honestly, I don’t really care about FTR. I’ve just finished my degree and all I’m thinking about is which colour vest I’m going to wear to Ziggy’s. Yellow or green?

Amstrad beckons

Finally, to the Vision Apprentice team. They didn’t win. Perhaps they should concentrate on running a newspaper of reasonable quality before applying their skill (or lack of) to the world of business.

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