Vanbrugh Paradise Corner
This week: The monumental battle of the University Titans
An anonymous mole from the panelled corridors of Heslington Hall reports a bitter feud between the University’s Chancellors, Vice and Dyke. With the go-ahead given to campus expansion, the long-time brainchild of Brian Cantor, most of the architectural details for the new site have been settled. “We’ve picked out some really snazzy tiles for the Registrar’s private toilet”, one enthusiastic planner was heard to remark, “and the carpet samples for the conferencing facilities are really quite something.” A few holes remain, notably the parts of the new campus to be frequented by students, but these will doubtless be filled before the earthmovers arrive.
The one point of contention, however, is the commemorative statue, envisaged by the Vice-Chancellor’s department as the centrepiece of the development. Leaked memos revealed a shortlist of suitable subjects, including Derwentian legend Ron Weir and famous alumnus Harry Enfield. However, the final document presented to the planning committee had all names but one crossed out with red crayon.
Greg Dyke, currently sequestered on a Pacific island with Kirsty Young and the complete works of popular songsmith Meat Loaf, has made clear his anger at not making the final cut. “That bastard Cantor’s fixed it. That should be me, 20 feet tall in bronze, the people’s hero, the bad boy from the BBC.” As the strains of ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ began to drown out his voice, he was heard to exclaim: “I wrote for the first edition of Nouse, you know! I have rights!”
Indeed. We invite you to register your support for the Chancellor and to help Nouse ensure his rightful place surveying the concrete vista of campus two. Letters to the usual address.
