Immigrants and Hugh Hefner: the perils this University faces
Immigration
I’ve just spotted an advert for The Daily Vision’s forthcoming recruitment drive. After promptly jotting down the details in my ethically produced diary (only two exploited labourers died in the Cambodian factory, well below average), I realised it was a waste of time. I hadn’t renewed my York visa, a requirement for those of Mediterranean descent who emigrate from London to the North. Some would even say I had slipped through the system, brutally exploiting those around me in order to clinch that dream job in Efe’s. Changing burger grease these days is a challenging task requiring half a degree.
Disproportionate and inflated coverage of a handful of foreign students, 43 over three years, who apparently disappeared, clutching their student visas, has defined Vision’s nationalist stance. As for the immigrants, the figure translates as 43 out of 10 000 students over three years which is under 1%. Perhaps these students simply left university and went home because they couldn’t stand the rain. Have none of the usually adept and open-minded Vision editorial team for one moment considered this? Even if they had decided to stay, I cannot see an incentive to drop out of university in order to become a low-paid and probably exploited illegal worker. If these students were wealthy enough to come to university in the first place, then I’m sure they could resist the lure of a £2 an hour job as a kitchen scrubber in Camberwell. Ergo there is no incentive for the rational ‘immigrant bastard, stop taking our jobs’ type to disappear in the UK without a visa. I apologise for the patronising explanation. It is merely for the benefit of Vision’s editorial team. I’m sure they mean well really but there is a slight difference between an overseas student and an Albanian on the back of a lorry. As for Britain being on the receiving end of exploitation, working on the plantations was all good fun, wasn’t it?
League tables vs Bunnies
York has dropped down the university league tables. Maybe this is because of the immigrants, or maybe it is due to the lack of funds and general mismanagement of the Heslington East expansion which appears to be taking place at the expense of the existent University. According to David Garner, the University Press Officer, budgets are what we do. Fantastic. On the plus side, the University might become slightly more attractive. This has lead to Playboy cancelling its talent-finding visit to York. Or perhaps it was because the YUSU exec, mainly comprising of narrow-minded idealists firmly rooted within the York bubble, decided that women would be exploited. From my limited experience of Playboy Bunnies, I have witnessed scores of students dress up in bunny ears given the slightest excuse. Some York students are even resorting to stripping for cash. Whether welfare likes it or not, sleaze and filth are a way of life.
Upping the ante
Much like the wet wipe that supplements the toilet roll, The Daily Vision’s high-quality Roses supplement littered campus lavatories all weekend. However, in future could it be made clear that anything produced by Vision is indeed by them when coinciding with our publication weekend? It was tiresome to repeatedly explain to people that the embarrassment of a handout was nothing to do with Nouse.
Supermarket sweep
Tesco’s most notorious employee returned to York this weekend. Beep. He was thrown out of Roses D for breaking a window. Beep. Where’s the bar code on this banana? Call the supervisor. Unfortunately, this was the highlight of Roses carnage, along with a karate match that ended with someone hurting themselves.
In other news…
Campus Ken is leaving. This signifies the end of York’s unstylish yet manly look, paving the way for the Tony & Guy brigade complete with hair straighteners. Also, Baroness Thornton’s visit to York was abruptly interrupted when she was violated by a goose. Apparently she enjoyed it so much that her visits are now weekly. Lastly, the University failed to register all students for the local elections, including several Vision editors. Their votes could have solidified the BNP’s position in the area, cleansing York of any impurities.
