A different kind of education

I’ve been watching a lot of daytime TV. I have this theory that writing essays in front of the telly is a good way to focus; it stops you from being able to think tangentially. You can’t think about much more than your essay thesis and a cooking programme, rather than your essay thesis and all the alternative theses that you might be writing on. I found out some good stuff. How to make: a lychee martini, lychees stuffed with cream cheese, lychee marinade for smoked salmon. I also found out some weird stuff. Daytime TV and Channel 5 are the destination of choice for exhibitionists with unusual talents. Like thinking you’re a reincarnated famous person, maybe Elvis or Marylin Monroe. Or Merlin or the Timelord. It’s horrible really. While most of society is at school or work, insecure students and homemakers get an entirely warped impression of the outside world. If daytime TV rang true, the whole country would be populated with pathological attention grabbers and very brave children.

I’ve also seen some late-night TV. A film where Richard E. Grant cultivates a talking boil on his neck and has to start wearing a wine carton on his head so his facial movements won’t wake it up. He starts off as an advertising executive and if that’s not a clear hint about unsavoury career paths, I don’t know what is.

And Wayne’s World was on. Cathartic and didactic in equal measure. ‘Are you mental?’ Wayne says. ‘Are you mental?’ My response is along the line of hahahaha, oh god, yes, a bit, hahaha, cry cry cry, hahahaha. The film moves on swiftly to Alice Cooper being Zen. And then it’s Party Time, Party Time. Just what we all need.

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