Uncle Matthew
Dear Uncle Matthew,
I’m really worried about my boyfriend. As our relationship has progressed over the past year, he has become more and more obsessed with his religion. He is a Baptist Christian, and not only has he taken to attending regular church services and Bible study classes, he has also become entirely convinced that the second coming of Christ is imminent. I wouldn’t mind all this, but my real concern is that at some point he will stop sleeping with me on account of his increased faith. What should I do?
Perturbed, Halifax
Dear Uncle Matthew,
I have developed an all consuming crush on my English tutor. It wouldn’t be so bad, but he really isn’t the sort one might expect to fancy, so I’m too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. He has a gold stud in one ear, a shaven head and he talks in a perfect monotone. Yet for some inexplicable reason, he really lights my fire. I felt the first flushes of passion when I went to his house for tea with the rest of my seminar group; watching him pour from a leaky teapot got me hot under the collar, and ever since I’ve been skulking around Langwith hoping to catch a glimpse of him. This crush is taking over my life. What should I do?
Flushed, James
Dear Uncle Matthew,
I am a first year student and I’m still finding it really hard to adjust to university, even though it’s nearly the end of the second term. Everyone seems to enjoy their course and to be living in a social whirl from which I am excluded. They’ve all got about 100 friends on Facebook, I’ve only got nine. Also, I believe my parents no longer love me, since they have only telephoned once, and then only to tell me that the dog had diarrhoea. Am I, as I suspect, a social leper? If so, how can I rectify the situation?
s
Tearful, Langwith
Dear Perturbed,
I suggest you try to accommodate and understand your boyfriend’s new-found religious zeal. He will appreciate your emotional generosity. If you can engage with his faith, and by doing so explain how you feel, you may be surprised at some other benefits too. Explain your fears, and consider supplementing them with a few useful biblical quotations; Genesis 24:2 “Go forth and multiply” and 1 Corinthians 7:5 “So do not deprive each other of sexual relations.” If these do not help, remind him how strongly you feel for him, and reference Timothy 2:22 “Run from anything which stimulates youthful lust.” If it seems that you have no option but a hasty break-up, or immediate marriage, remember the words of St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:26 “I think it is best to remain just as you are.”
Joyful, joyful,
Uncle Matthew
Dear Flushed,
At times of emotional stress it is often a great help to confide in someone. Although your embarrassment over your attachment to this member of staff is understandable, you will feel much better once you get this story out in the open. You may also find that a more public display of affection may help him make his feelings more clear. Speak to your tutor about how you feel. Resolving these feelings may take time, and face-to-face contact may prove increasingly difficult to sustain. By noting his home address and telephone number you can ensure frequent contact. If a grand gesture is required, why not fall to your knees and confess your love in a seminar? I’m sure your seminar colleagues will appreciate your sharing attitude.
Yours, with a fluffy centre,
Uncle Matthew
Dear Tearful,
It sounds to me like you might be in need of some time free of university life’s “social whirl”, and canine incontinence. Therefore may I suggest that you consider life after university, and begin to make some preparations for entering the world of work. Go and become a hermit. Not only would you be putting your feet squarely on the first rung of the ladder toward a successful self-employed career, you would also be selflessly protecting the rest of us from the risk that social leprosy may be contagious.
Always your (and anyone else’s),
Uncle Matthew
