The world’s gone mad
The All-England Hopping Competition was forced to wind up early after a brilliantly executed two-prong attack from the Scottish Sports Council and the Health and Safety Executive. First, the former held a press conference at the event, in which they protested that “not enough talent from north of the border has been recognised.” Apparently the Scots have been practising hopping for years. “How do you think Alex Salmond got to the top?” asked the Council’s John Blain at the conference. Just as reporters were contemplating this unexpected question, the organisers announced that the Competition would be abandoned because the HSE had identified ‘major risks’ in its ‘preliminary assessment of the venue.’ When pressed for more details, the HSE responded: “someone might fall over.”
Poor old Rion Sakchu of Malawi was always being teased by his fellow workers at the Lilongwe Calculators factory about his looks. “We used to call him face ugly rubber skin,” said Den Pagam, one of the bullies. It all became too much for Mr Sakchu, who decided to perform amateur corrective surgery on himself, using a buzzsaw. During the delicate operation, Mr Sakchu’s cat (whose name was Noo Noo) fell off a shelf and landed on the saw, causing the would-be self-surgeon to slip and sever his left leg. He still works at Lilongwe Calculators but, says Mr Pagam, “we now call him Stumpy Sawlegs.” Happily, Mr Sakchu told the workers’ magazine that he was beginning to see the funny side. Which is more than can be said for Noo Noo, who was killed in the accident.
A contestant from Channel 4’s never-interesting Countdown has taken an appeal to the High Court after he was allegedly denied victory for proposing the word ‘gobshite’ in the crucial final letters game. “When I said the word, the producers stopped the show and said we’d have to start the game again,” said Ernest Tanning of Cromer. His opponent triumphed in the replay. Tanning has pointed out that the word is in the Oxford English Dictionary, but asserts that his grievance runs deeper than that. “What I object to is that the producers have made me out to be some sort of foulmouth,” Mr Tanning said. “They’re a bunch of wankers,” he added, with an admirable lack of irony.
David Bryant of Osterley has decided to enlist pupils for his newly-founded College of Slapstick Comedy by running around throwing custard pies at people. Unfortunately, he targeted 76-year-old widow Norma Keedy, whose vision was momentarily blurred by the lactose contained in the pie. Momentarily, that is, but long enough for Mrs Keedy to fall down a workmen’s hole. She suffered only minor cuts and bruises, but onlookers said she looked ‘obviously distressed’ when Mr Bryant re-appeared with a plank of wood and proceeded to swivel round several times, repeatedly knocking Mrs Keedy from her feet.
