Normally Nouse abhors a cliché like the public abhors Heather Mills McCartney. However, even we must acknowledge that Valentine’s Day is approaching, and you had better buy your lover a present or there will be no sexytime for you.
We therefore trekked all the way to Costcutter in search of treats to tempt even the shyest of lovers out of their shell this Wednesday; here is what we found.
treat: FROZEN PEAS
If you are going out with a bird who just won’t shut the hell up when she’s told, or if you’re a member of the hockey team, you might be the type who likes to speak the language of love with your fists. No, we’re not talking about obscure sexual practices, but domestic violence, which we do not condone in any way because it is very bad. However, if you do have a tendency to smack your bitch up, you might like to present them with a bag of frozen peas on 14 February to hold against their heads until the swelling goes down. Those who don’t know their own strength might like to invest in the extra large 400 gram bag. It’s a little more expensive at £1.29, but if you really love them…
TREAT: LOVE HEARTS
Love Hearts, 25p for a ‘giant pack’. Sadly, a ‘giant pack’ is not some sort of crazy pimped-up pack with Love Hearts the size of frisbees, but roughly the same weight as a pack of fruit pastilles or wine gums, approximately the height of a Cindy doll with its head ripped off. They are the confectionery item of choice for the mute romantic, as they express every sentiment for you – you need only open your mouth to chew. Sexy slogans found on recent Love Hearts include “hey buddy” and “u r ok”.
TREAT: WHITE STRIKE
If your other half isn’t up to scratch visually, then two litres of White Strike should do the trick, providing the ultimate beer-goggle experience. You will be overcome by an unrelenting urge to take your lover down to Tang Hall common and give them a jolly good seeing-to. Hopefully, if the powers of Strike have turned you into a love machine, your lover will remain by your side until morning to nurse your almighty hangover. Next time, choose more wisely – and that doesn’t go for your drink.