Uncle Mathew

Dear Uncle Matthew,
I need your help. I really want to run for a position on the SU next year, but I’m not sure I have the charisma, or the looks. I feel politics is in my blood (my father is a Conservative councillor), and that I could really offer something to society. How can I set my foot on the political ladder and make myself cool enough for the SU?
Ugly, Halifax

Dear Uncle Matthew,
I need your help. I really want to run for a position on the SU next year, but I’m not sure I have the charisma, or the looks. I feel politics is in my blood (my father is a Conservative councillor), and that I could really offer something to society. How can I set my foot on the political ladder and make myself cool enough for the SU?
Ugly, Halifax

Dear Ugly,

You are clearly lacking in confidence. I would therefore suggest that you are in need of a big boost to your sense of self-esteem, something to make you feel happier in your own skin and more confident in your abilities as a politician. Have you considered botox? Not only might this help improve your unimpressive looks; a static, unresponsive face would also provide a handy excuse for your lack of charisma. Just remember the advice I give to all aspiring politicos: if you want to go into politics you must learn to love yourself.

Kiss, kiss,
Uncle Matthew

Dear Uncle Matthew,
Perhaps you can help me. One of my housemates is driving me mad. He literally does not have a personality – he’s like an amorphous
collection of cells living in my house. Also, he always leaves the
toilet seat up, listens to country and western music and keeps a
stash of porn under the living room sofa. How should I approach him to talk to him about this? There doesn’t seem to be an easy way to tell someone that they have all the personal charm of a dishrag.
Frustrated, Tang Hall

Dear Frustrated,

I always think it is important to try and resolve disputes as amicably as possible. If your housemate seems uncommunicative, perhaps you should try to find some common ground between you? Once you’ve built up a working relationship the possibility of having a decent conversation, and a chance to air your views will make your job a lot easier. One of the best ways may be trying to appeal to his interests. From what you’ve told me of his, I propose you confront him about his behaviour whilst wearing a Stetson hat and nothing else. Then you should be assured of his full attention.

Big hugs,
Uncle Matthew

Dear Uncle Matthew,
Please, please help me. There is a poltergeist living in my broom
cupboard, and I am completely petrified. I tried to ignore it at
first, but it has become impossible to sustain the pretence. I know it comes into my room and watches me while I’m asleep. Also, it keeps stealing my milk and knickers. I haven’t swept the floor in 6 months, because I can’t bring myself to open the cupboard and face its wrath. I can’t sleep at night. What shall I do?
Terrified, Fulford

Dear Terrified,
Forget about the broom and buy a hoover. That might also help keep the ‘poltergeist’ occupied at night without it bothering you…
Cuddles,
Uncle Matthew

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