The world’s gone mad

Stories you might have missed

Thurston Fayre of Norfolk has, once again, held its annual competition for the most amusing winter vegetable. The usual carrots-shaped-like-willies cropped up, of course, but there was also a beetroot in the shape of the Pope, an aubergine that bore an uncanny resemblance to Jade Goody and a potato shaped like the House of Lords. A Jerusalem artichoke ‘shaped like the cast of ‘Neighbours’ saying grace in front of an enormous pork pie’ was the winner.

Mumbai bus conductor Sanjit Seewa was in court last week, charged with manslaughter and gross negligence. He was training an apprentice driver of a Karnataka Omnibus Company double-decker when he mistakenly directed his student to steer into an overhead power line, electrocuting the trainee and a local seller of rare frogs. Strangely, Seewa escaped entirely unhurt. “The deaths of two people are directly attributable to the fact that you are such a bad conductor”’ said the judge, who could not resist adding: “This is presumably the reason why you yourself were not electrocuted.”

Belinda Carthus of Arthog became so exasperated by her husband’s 10 years of infidelity that her patience finally snapped and she pushed his car into the River Dovey. Or, at least, what she thought to be his car – the vehicle in question actually belonged to a neighbour, who angrily told police that his (now former) car was totally different to Mr. Carthus’s. In fact, it was a different make, model – even a different colour. “I was angry and confused,” said Mrs Carthus. “Love does that to you.”

Englishman John Cooling’s enterprising business venture in Colombo was seen to be failing last week. Having observed the success of curry houses in Britain, Cooling emigrated to Sri Lanka and established a number of restaurants serving traditional English foods. Since handing control of the franchise to a local chef, Cooling has witnessed the mutation of his original menu into a frightening smorgasboard of soundalikes. Customers may now choose from ‘scrambuls of the egges’, ‘Hole in the Road’ and ‘full english brekfast with saugages, fries bred, cookies tomato mushpooms and also much to have toast.’

Conservationist Rich Arkwright was arrested at the National History Museum of Aberdeen this week after a tirade about the treatment of specimens in the collection. Arkwright’s website alleged that “there is depression amongst arachnids”, “pupa are kept like battery chikens” and “the fungi are not hapy”. His visit to the museum – accompanied by two hundredweight of live maggots – was perhaps unsurprising. His insistence on assaulting the curator and instructing her to ‘Live! Live like the maggots!’ before throwing them at a disabled steward was rather unexpected though. Arkwright was arrested on numerous charges. ‘F*cking earthworm freakshow!’ he yelled to startled onlookers, as police led him away

Leave a comment



Please note our disclaimer relating to comments submitted. Please do not post pretending to be another person. Nouse is not responsible for user-submitted content.