Terrorism, violence and alarming incompetence: Welcome to York

Incompetence on campus

As the deconstruction and deterioration of the University of York continues, with Porters being the latest asset to gradually disappear after the closure of so many bars last term, I sit pondering what might go next. Perhaps, with any luck, the Roger Kirk Centre might be bulldozed. The toilets could then be auctioned, providing funding for a facility or two. Many an afternoon has been spent dreaming of the day beer might flow through Roger’s disused beer pumps, whilst defiantly trying to digest the ever popular Roger Kirk fishcake.

Yet again the University has displayed a frightening inability to function and organise itself effectively. After three months of summer holidays proved to be insufficiently long to fit some kitchens in Goodricke College, the University now simply cannot hire any porters.
What concerns me more than the risk of this becoming a permanent cost-cutting solution is the attitude displayed by the SU President. A man elected and paid to represent the views of the students is discouraging any student action. I think the Nouse petition’s 1200 signatures suggests that quite a few students are concerned about the situation, as opposed to the pathetic 250 votes cast in the latest UGM.

It’s about time students were backed by and represented by a president that they elected on the basis that he would do so. Instead it appears we have a leader who is primarily concerned with avoiding accountability by agreeing to sign only with the greatest reluctance, perhaps in order to keep his name clean and make sure University feathers remain unruffled. Nothing’s changed then. I feel a vote of ‘no confidence’ coming on, so do feel free to write in with any thoughts.

God bless the Welsh

Oh dear, I’m never going to be able to get into Toffs for free ever again. I’ll just stick with Ziggys, since it’s free, and make sure I avoid the stairs outside, around the back; a popular Rugby team and SU officer hang out apparently. There’s banter and then there’s slander.
I send my most sincere hopes for a speedy recovery to the student who was beaten in Derwent after a rugby match involving Scotland and Wales. It’s refreshing to see such a strong rise in nationalism with so many people willing to fight for their country. I’ve always been a firm believer in violence as a solution for most things, especially to preserve national identity. God bless the King. Sorry, I mean Queen. I’m informed she’s not dead yet. Unlike most universities, York has maintained its purity by including a record number of ethnic minorities. Nouse interviewed 75 percent of them, which isn’t as impressive as it sounds, since there were only three of them.

York on terror alert

Security concerns around campus emerged as a Nouse reporter broke into the Chemistry department. Driven by a sudden hunger, he embarked on a mission to find a chemical combination to make food. However, if you substitute our reporter with Abu Hamza, and hunger with desire to make explosive orange juice that could be used to destroy planes (or at least make the seat wet if spilt accidentally), then disaster would occur. I propose that all rucksacks carried around campus should now be clear.

Typical student protest

I would like to offer my most heart-felt congratulations to the two students who protested against Guantanamo Bay by dressing up in orange boiler suits and bending over outside the library. However, I couldn’t help going over and reassuring them that there was nothing to worry about, since they came from a good, fox-hunting background and therefore did not fit the Guantanamo criteria. They promptly left.

A vision of a libel case

I’ll be expecting a formal apology from Vision, or perhaps more suitably Handicapped Vision, for falsely alleging I wanted to write for them. I’d rather write on shards of glass using my own excrement. If not, I’m sure we’ll be meeting in York Magistrate’s Court sometime soon.

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