Pretention, The Super-Posh bit of StoneGate


ave. food price: £7000
Ave. drink price: £5-10,000

As president of Rah Soc, I frequently bemoan the lack of pretentious dining establishments in York. Before I lived here I had no idea it was possible to roast a pine nut inefficiently, I have searched in vain for a single malt whisky over 30 years of age and cocktail prices are so insultingly low as to imply that York is full of (avert your eyes if you are easily shocked) poor people. So when I heard about a new restaurant called Pretention, I thought we had found a venue for our socials.

Pretention is a members-only bar but naturally Daddy knows the main stakeholder, so getting in was not a problem. Our secretary, Esmerelda Muff-Manger, ordered a bottle of vintage Bollinger ’78 at a bargainlicious £500. (For an extra ten thousand pounds you can have it served to you with a ladle that the Crown Prince of Uzbekakistan once used to bring his father to orgasm). As a little snack, treasurer Rodney Anal-Lovesitt requested a platter of nachos, a controversial choice until it emerged that the nachos were not made of corn, but dodo egg shells – all the more delicious for being so rare and valuable that eating them is probably illegal. They were accompanied by a medley of guacamole-esque jus based on the tears of the absinthe fairy, and a salsa of tomatoes picked by only the most educated orphans of the southern Mexican provinces. As a privileged person, I was touched by the bravery of their plight. Then I stuffed my face with it. Thomasina Inbred-Pederast was dismayed when she spilled some on her furry rah-boot, but one of the servants (although apparently they prefer to be called ‘waiting staff’) immediately fell to his knees and licked it off, which we all thought was a charming touch.

Pretention is not without its flaws. There is a little too much glass and chrome to be suitable to entertain Mater and Pater and some of the ‘staff’ have clearly never had an elocution lesson. Still, we had a lovely time, and the bill was well under a million pounds.

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