Filling in the gaps

The University of York is becoming an increasingly dangerous place to be. Firstly, if you are being robbed, beaten up by a mob of rugby fans or murdered in the middle of Derwent dining-hall, you can expect the porters to be along in half-an-hour or so – but not before (through no fault of theirs, but one must consider costs, dontcha know).

You can’t go near the Chemistry Department for fear of journalists trying to make bombs out of things they find lying around (just to prove it can be done), and you can’t go near the Physics Department because the Ministry of Defence is paying them to make real bombs. They have fortified the department since a cheeky anonymous letter from Derwent alerted the government to the looming crisis on campus (Tax-free cous-cous? Does that even make sense? No!).

You can’t go shopping in York town centre because you’ll get stopped and beaten up at Amnesty’s Israeli checkpoint (all in the name of bringing the message home to you though, you fascist pig, and all the guns and uniforms are made by Fair Trade approved manufacturers – no Fruit Of The Loom AK47s here), which doesn’t matter, because you can’t even get near the town centre now that the RAG parade has reached critical mass and every street from Heslington to Micklegate is filled with drunk Derwenters dressed as dalmations. Or cows. Or whatever they were. Every street, that is, except for those around the Badger Hill area, where residents have barricaded themselves into their homes and are shooting at anyone they suspect of being a student with WWII surplus rifles.

The only ray of sunshine in the whole affair comes when the BNP decide to leave – not because of York Unity’s protracted and vicious leafleting campaign, but because they’re all terrified by the descent of utter madness. I hear the remaining loyal knuckle-dragging skinhead racists are relocating their operations to somewhere safer, like Baghdad. I think they plan to take that dalek with them, too. Good luck to them, I say. That thing’s bloody dangerous.

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