No oozing on the River Ouse

by nouse | January 23rd, 2007

So, I’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks. At first glance he seems ideal: endowed with a prominent position in York student politics, a plush penthouse in Alcuin Towers and a bulging pair of boxer-shorts. Our budding relationship sadly, however, met with its first obstacle shortly after its second instalment. To put it simply, he can’t make me come.

This became a problem I agonised over at length: is this simply a potential compromise of a loving relationship, or should I be asserting my female right to sexual gratification? How important is an orgasm in a potentially fruitful and otherwise fulfilling relationship? I found myself despairing over these questions and wondering whether I’m being overly fussy and demanding, or just sexually short-changed. After all, he’s all but guaranteed an orgasm every time.

Abashed by this situation, I kept it close to my chest for as long as I could bear the sexual frustration, but eventually I had to put the dilemma to my supportive squadron of female friends. On doing so, I discovered this to be not such a rare problem as I had at first imagined.
One woman had been with her boyfriend for two years and was yet to have an orgasm through his agency. Until I mentioned my situation to her, she’d been convinced it was merely a problem on her part, but together we came to the realisation that perhaps it was they, not we, who were at fault.

Of course, bad sex is far from unusual. In the process of my consultations, I came across (sadly, not literally) one woman who’d had such bad sex on a first date that she had been driven to draft a text to a friend bemoaning her partner’s inadequacy. Unfortunately, being in a haze of post-coital frustration, she made the fatal mistake of sending the text to the man she was lying next to. There ended that brief and unsatisfying relationship.

Obviously there are sexual incompatibilities to smooth out at the beginning of any relationship, but after a certain point a woman is justified in expecting a degree of compromise. If a man’s not willing to meet her sexual needs, this must surely reflect on his extra-sexual attributes.

This theory was borne out when, after I had decided to starve said man of sex until he decided to make the requisite effort for a female orgasm, I awoke to find his frenzy of sexual pleasure brought to liquid fruition (unfortunately for all involved, directly in his own face). It was at this moment that I realised that, in fact, nice guys don’t finish last. They finish first. And aren’t much bothered about where you finish at all.