Dalek attacks students

Apparently a local York resident who is fed up of noisy students walking by his house has responded by constructing a Dalek outside. Once a student approaches the house, the Dalek’s inbuilt student sensor (the malevolent local huddling within the contraption) triggers off a vicious vocal attack. Many students find the ordeal traumatic, with at least one recorded death in the past month. So the resident is effectively doubling the noise created by students. I didn’t realise farming skills incorporated robot building.

Locals must surely realise that universities are vital in reducing the proportion of stupid people in the population, ensuring the proletariat remain at bay. As for chav watch, I have found an effective yet humane solution to deal with the 10 year old scoundrels that run through my garden. It involves a trip wire and some broken glass.

Rooting out terrorism

Rumour has it that Red Watch are being employed to survey for any ethnically-based terrorist activity occurring around campus. Initially the scheme had proven a great success, with a total of zero suicide bombs recorded last term. However there has been a steady increase in young, Middle Eastern-looking males walking around campus clad in backpacks and coats that appear excessive given York’s mild climate. Very suspicious behaviour indeed. Rest assured, Red Watch, vigilantly protecting upright York society from the “unwashed scum of the Marxian left”, have managed to keep track of me. I swear the library barriers go off even if I have no books. Imagine what could happen if the ethnics had access to the chemical labs. They could even make explosive Fair Trade apple juice.

My recently received and most informative York BNP leaflet raised several concerns for me. To quote one particularly enlightening section, “Thousands of possible terrorists study chemistry and biology in universities…” Redwatch have already proven their ample credentials for this vital job by spotting a York University lecturer at an anti-war demonstration. It’s certainly refreshing to see such a liberal and open-minded attitude in England. Perhaps this long-held perception of mine could be slightly misinformed.

In a scientific attempt to scratch the surface and reveal York University’s attitude to other cultures and to smoke out any potential Jade “poppadom” Goodys lurking around campus, I embarked on a bit of investigative journalism with a friend, whom I am unable to name for legal purposes and so will hereon refer to as “The Serb”. We decided to go to a Goodricke 70s-themed event dressed up as members of the Jackson 5 (Jermaine and Michael, to be specific) complete with brown body paint and Afros. To most present we were entirely unrecognisable and so we were able to anonymously and vigorously conduct our social experiment. The Serb and I found that while the white males present looked on with a barely disguised mixture of fear and envy, the women simply flocked to us and our dancing became infinitely better. I am now resolved never to leave my house looking white again.

Radical student activism

Some York student “anarchists” have recently squatted in an empty house. For the record, they are not actually homeless but simply aiming to rebel against the oppressive confines of The State and the injustices of The System. However, the house in question was quickly reclaimed after the bastions of student extremism at Freesoc went home for some of Mummy’s Christmas home cooking, and no doubt to ask Mummy and Daddy to continue funding their anarchy and to pick up a new Jack Wills gilet.

The spirit of giving

I would also sincerely like to congratulate the York uni RAG team for raising £6000 last term. After paying the SU Student Action Officer his wages, that will have left them with about 50p for charity. I didn’t realise York students were quite so stingy. Also, RAG misses many excellent opportunities to raise money. For example, Rich Croker’s Big Gay Facebook event could have been extended to include all of his 700 “friends”, an entrance fee charged and money raised for the poor and hungry of Tang Hall. But then I suppose organising it would have been a pain in the arse.

A change of direction

I am quite seriously considering giving up university to become a Goodricke porter in order to ease the current shortage and recruitment crisis. Perks of the job include free Roger Kirk baguettes (except for Coronation chicken, which is a premium filling) and unlimited Pole Exercise session viewings on Tuesdays.

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