The last word

Andreas Masoura takes a satirical look at York’s main activities: bingo and stripping

Full House

Apparently the calm around campus during Freshers’ week was unsettled one evening after Toffs. Screams of “Bingo” cracked through the night air after yet another Full House was achieved. The mystery surrounding campus was soon unearthed as yet another pure, innocent and naïve student was deflowered. As well as having an unquestionable concern for the welfare of students, the Students’ Union allegedly adopts a hands on approach when it comes to helping freshers settle in.

Inspired by the legendary Mecca Bingo in town, YUSU Bingo merely replaces cash winnings with a student’s virginity. Once each sacrifice has been made and the bingo sheets inspected, the participant would then move on to another college until a Full House has been achieved. The final victim would then be traumatised with “Full House” being screamed in their unsuspecting face, of course in the presence of an SU superior who would be standing outside the game’s venue listening, simply to verify the result. A fine game, almost as entertaining as ‘Drink or no Drink’.

If you have been affected or traumatised at all by any of the above, please contact Nouse with your story, and you can attend our complimentary counselling session. Otherwise simply adhere to the following guide in order to avoid such misfortune: YUSU Officers are easily identifiable by their vast array of YUSU hoodies, which are worn on every occasion, so make sure you watch out for them. The lure of a free queue jumper to Toffs is a sleazy, yet formidable weapon used by the Students’ Union. Please try your utmost to resist, even if it’s raining. Also remember, you are most likely to be approached in a York drinking establishment, which will then be ruthlessly capitalised on with the offer of several free VK Blues. Ask for a VK Tropical instead.

1 AM

As I’m sure most of you have come to realise, everything in York shuts by about one o’clock. Well, not anymore. Ziggys’ has come to the rescue by providing some after hours entertainment at the weekend by providing York with what its craved for for so long: attractive women. Unfortunately you have to pay, but then again, that string of VKs purchased at Toffs on a Tuesday does not come cheap either.

In a ploy that has regained the levels of sleaze that Pole Soc worked so hard to get rid of, Ziggy’s has given York a good old fashioned strip club. So, having stumbled inside, (purely for journalistic research purposes) we were given campus event-style wristbands and ushered to the top floor. I can assure you that this was no Club D. With more women than you could acknowledge with a fleeting glance, simply because they were so tall, Ziggy’s has more than compensated for the lack of talent usually on display on a Wednesday.

Even if you are not appreciative of the art of lapdancing, I recommend a visit simply to experience the cultural diversity within the club, a level unseen in York until now. With women from many different ages, nationalities and races, every taste is catered for and at a tenner a go it is an absolute bargain. Once inside, we were greeted with a surgically enhanced female called Sarah. Sarah was a Langwith College student until she dropped out of University to pursue her career. Sarah had amassed a significant portion of our student loan that evening, leaving me to question who was in fact being exploited in this exchange.

Grace Fletcher-Hall may not agree, but it appears that men are being sexually manipulated to the point where they are powerless to do anything other than hand over their hard earned cash. Perhaps Grace could address this if elected as York’s Feminist Labour Counsellor? Meanwhile the fight continues to ban Nuts and Zoo from Your:Shop.

As many students lament the drop in teaching standards I am merely relieved. Given that beauty is inversely proportional to intelligence, this year’s crop of freshers has been distinctly above average. To think that I had given up hope.

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