Which Cake?

The Bar and Restaurant team like eating lots of food and never do any exercise. The section was on the verge of being shut down by the combined force of Jamie Oliver and Ian Wright, and so we launched a campaign against our collective inertia. The campus run was highly successful but we were sad to learn that it did not count as a healthy activity owing to the frequent cake stops. Here is what we found…

Chocolate Fudge Cake, £1.05, Vanbrugh.

This was upsettingly bad, tasting neither of chocolate nor fudge. The cake was made from some kind of saccharine sponge substitute that had a wartime feel. The icing was dry, thin and terribly dense – Goodricke inhabitants could probably use it to construct a new kitchen, but as food it would be a waste of their meal vouchers.

Blackcurrant Cheesecake, £1, Vanbrugh.

This went down very quickly, presumably to remove the lingering aftertaste of the previous concoction, but it felt a little like a Radio 2 compilation CD or a tin of beige paint. There was nothing technically wrong with it but it didn’t make your heart beat faster like good cake should. The base was soggy, but the (scarce) blackcurrants gave it a buzz. There were only three blackcurrants on our slice – perhaps they were being rationed.

Stem Ginger Sponge, 80p, Roger Kirk Centre.

Quality cake of epic proportions, this was described as being “like school dinner food, only nice”. The ginger levels were perfect, it was definite but not overpowering, and, as ginger spice could possibly help cold and flu prevention, we would reccomend a daily dose of this cake on health and safety grounds. Those with advanced cake skills will smuggle this one out of the Captain Kirk and drench it with custard.

Flapjack, 50p,
Browns of Heslington.

Robin Seaton, an expert of international repute in the field of oat-based puddings, declared that this contained too much flap and not enough jack. He later admitted that he didn’t really know what he was talking about, but we decided that the jack is the tasty sugary goo that holds the operation together. On paper it looks bargain-licious, but ultimately it’s excess of complex carbohydrates make it too healthy to hold the B&R team’s interest.

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