The Last Word

Andreas Masouras commemorates the end of the Nouse year by offending as many people as possible

Cavity Search

The Government has recently ordered members of staff at York University to be on the look out for any ‘Muslim extremist’ or ‘terrorist’ activity. These spotters will be required to keep an eye on particular students (the tanned, Middle Eastern looking ones like me) making a note of strange behaviour and performing strip searches if neccessary. Any student who wish to take part will be rewarded with beer tokens, however it is more difficult than it seems since many York students had never even seen a dark person in real life until they came to university. Wearing a coat, carrying a backpack and drinking explosive coke on your way to the airport are some of the features they are looking for. Oh, this why the library security barriers keep going off every time I walk through. I swear I’m innocent.

I have prepared a brief guide for any non-pasty people so they can avoid going from York to Guantanamo Bay. Firstly, don’t actually take part in terrorist activity. This tends to help. Secondly, Don’t ever run otherwise you might end up like Jean Charles de Menezes who was shot by police at Stockwell last year for moving like a terrorist. Note this is mainly applicable to tube stations. Thirdly, smile at security members whilst simultaneously uttering phrases such as ‘I like fish and chips’ or ‘I love Tony Blair’. Fourthly, rather than wearing a black military style coat with concealed weapons inside it and matching head scarf, trot around campus wearing a navy blue Ralph Lauren jumper and chequed shirt. Dressing like a toff will reduce your chances of being singled out. Adding pale foundation to your face will help even more. Lastly, if you’re a member of The Islamic Society, well basically you’re screwed. Join the Tories instead.

The Tesco Value of campus media

Apparently members of Vision’s editorial team were found engaging in an undignified, hysterical rant about the latest episode of their rapid downfall. Once upon a time, Vision was at the forefront of UK student media. Now you’re probably thinking hard, trying to remember when this anomaly occurred. This is because it was 5 years ago. Yes, when many of us were doing our GCSEs.

Even so, Vision still found it appropriate to use the same outdated Jon Snow quotes to attract freshers at the fair, thereby falsely luring them into the clutches of trash media.

Vision’s latest complaint was aimed at Nouse’s supposed over reaction to being nominated for the Guardian student newspaper of the year award. I’d like to remind them that on winning this award many years ago, their response was simply to dedicate the front page of their next edition to praising themselves. As if this was not enough, they supplemented their lavish self absorbed front page by running a full page on their greatness at the heart of their news section. I wonder if they’ll do the same if they win the one category they were nominated for in the Guardian awards: best budget paper? Haven’t times changes.

Well, all’s not bad for Vision. The addition of a cheap, square, glossy (the first page) magazine in future additions should help to keep Vision at the forefront of the best budget newspaper category for years to come. I wonder what Jon Snow would make of this.

The End of an Era

As the current editorial team prepare to step down after this edition, and I am flown to Guantanamo (they caught me this morning in the library), I can feel a tear in my eye. Damn that pepper spray. Well, I’d just like to thank Slowby Green for providing students with, to quote him, “what they need, not want they want”. This explains why my request for topless women on page three was rejected. Instead, Nouse has helped the culturally under nourished masses to broaden their awareness of campus life.

For example, I bet you didn’t know that York University now has a resident Ghostbuster who is researching the paranormal. Or that York students are amongst the bravest in the country. One even took on a hooligan brandishing a potato peeler. He kicked him in the balls and pegged it. Also, a naked student walked into their bath on campus, only to find a builder mixing cement in it. Hang on, someone’s just knocked down my door…

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