The last word
Andreas Masoura has just moved in next door to our editor, whose house was broken into the next day. Coincidence?
Goodricke screws Vision
Unfortunately, this year’s hoard of freshers will be missing out on a vital part of their Freshers’ Week experience. No, I’m not referring to the kitchens in Goodricke that have gone missing, but to the delay in Vision’s publication. Don’t worry, simply pick up a copy of the Daily Sport from Your:Shop for similar, some would even say more stimulating and informative, reading. Apparently Vision have been telling people it’s because they want to get shit-faced in Freshers’ Week, rather than providing students with a worthwhile newspaper. Perhaps the lure of unsuspecting 18 year olds is too much to resist. Or maybe Vision’s inability to use computers forced them to publish a week late? Oh the shame. A frantic (dare I say desperate?) attempt to get Matt Burton (Goodricke’s Chair) to fix the problem proved unsuccessful. Burton, holidaying in Scarborough at the time, simply refused since he vitally needed to top up his tan by sunbathing in the nude. So if any freshers have the misfortune of bumping into any of the Vision editorial team during the forthcoming week, I can only apologise. In future, it would help to actually turn the brightness up rather than have it on zero.
Unlucky, you have to eat at the Roger Kirk Centre
On my way to my spiritual culinary home that is the Roger Kirk Centre on Saturday, I couldn’t help but notice the freshers moving into Goodricke. On arrival, the joy on their faces was radiant as they were handed two complimentary bottles of water. This abruptly faded as they realised the only reason they were given water was because Goodricke A block has no running water. In fact it has no kitchens. Next, I saw students frantically stuffing their faces with mummy’s homemade cake (apparently cake needs to be refridgerated) whilst downing bottles of milk. At least they’re learning that you can’t call yourself a true student if you waste food. Think of all the hungry people in Malawi, like Rob. Anyway, three months over the summer proved insufficient time for the University to refit a handful of kitchens. Well I suppose it would have been rude to refit kitchens whilst conference guests were residing in Goodricke. So instead the University have waited to do it while students are staying there. This is one detail the prospectus omitted. Once the gloss of being a fresher is replaced by duck shit, those of you that live in substandard accommodation will realise that the University prioritises facilities for conference guests over students. A fine example is the Roger Kirk toilet. Don’t worry though, all you Goodricke A block freshers will definitely get to use it. Why? Well, as a substitute for kitchens you are to be given Roger Kirk dinner vouchers. On eating dinner, I can assure you that you won’t be able to make the 50 yards to your own toilets.
Freshers’ Guide
I’m sure you’ve all read plenty of freshers’ guides but I thought I could add a few pointers that have perhaps been overlooked. Ok, as far as York’s nightlife goes I have one suggestion: Go to Leeds. It’s only a 20 minute train journey away, and I can assure you (particularly any males) that it is more than worth it. You might even fancy a change of scene once you’ve told the 2000th person what you’re studying and where you’re from. However, York’s not actually that bad anymore. The newly opened strip club will not only provide me with a chance to show off my pole dancing technique and students with entertainment before Ziggy’s on a Wednesday, it will also contribute positively to the local economy. Oh, one other thing. Former SU President, Mickey Armstrong, now works at Tesco so if you want a discount on your Ribena, shop there. Just say that you go to York on arrival at the checkout.
Crime hits York
Another thing. As I’m sure you’ve been warned several times already, York is a very dangerous place. Tang Hall Lane could compare to any grimy London suburb (like Peckham, for example). Gun crime on campus is especially on the rise as a fellow student found out. As the gunman thrust his weapon at the student’s face, he heroically tackled the gunman, dispossessing him of the offensive firearm in question. It turned out to be a harmless incident since the supersoaker was in fact empty. The offender was promptly picked up by his parents and driven back to school in time for his maths lesson.
Hannah Bunn
My name’s Hannah and I’m a Goodricke A blocker. I’d like some breakfast.
We’ve got our food vouchers, and yeh, it’s pretty generous of them. Officially.
If we have been given breakfast vouchers, they must asume that we can’t make it without a kitchen. But with Roger Kirk only opening at 9am, needing to be up at the library at 9:15 [I’m sure others have their own examples] I can’t get it from there. By the time I’m done, breakfast is over.
Yes: I do have food in my room. I came prepared, and there’s no-where else for it to go. But the Uni doesn’t believe that this is good enough stuff for breakfast.
I haven’t actually eaten anything at Roger Kirk I’ve disliked - however, my nose is completly blocked and I haven’t been able to taste a thing for a fortnight.
If anyone is hungry, come to me: Just follow the rustling sound of biscuit packets.