The Last Word
Andreas Masoura: this year he’s won as many awards as Vision
The brothels revealed
An exclusive Vision underground investigation has discovered the York brothel. Apparently a Vision journalist was offered sex for money. If you’re that desperate, go to Ziggys and buy a mediocre looking female a K2, a true bargain at £1.50. That won’t be difficult, we’re in York.
Despite an arduous account of how Vision editors spent their weekends, the story failed to give the location of the brothel. How selfish. Word on the street suggests it could be inside the Roger Kirk toilets, or perhaps in that strange little room one down from the Nouse office. If only you could hear some of the noises coming out of there.
Feminism proved irrelevant
With regard to Nouse’s token feminist militants, Heidi and Kate: put your bras back on and throw away your mooncups because I did a little feminist survey of my own. Whilst at the York brothel, I fortunately stumbled across several women who were only too pleased to succumb to my every desire in exchange for hard currency. Especially the receptionist at the front, she even made me a coffee. Imagine that, a woman in 21st century Britain making a man a coffee. Bring back the 1950s. Oh, and another thing, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why men are paid more than women. There are 12 months in a year. Multiply that by the number of days each month in which a woman’s labour efficiency is reduced by PMT. Thus you have the pay gap.
Why travel for hooliganism?
Football hooliganism in York peaked the other day when a fan was assaulted during an England match in Derwent. Some advice: Don’t turn up to the match looking like a Swedish caricature and then proceed to mock England. I know they’re crap and that Peter Crouch is an un-athletic, gangly beanstalk, but you must be wary of the skinhead.
Minster versus Roger Kirk
York St. John graduate in the Minster. We graduate in central hall, that architectually dated eyesore. It’s not fair. Apparently if we abandoned our Central Hall graduations the University would lose business since no one would buy baguettes from the Roger Kirk Centre. As much as I love a Coronation Chicken treat, I don’t want to spend my graduation reception running in between toilets. I think students would benefit on more than one level if we moved to the Minster.
A festival for charity?
On behalf of the University, I feel it necessary to apologise to anyone who had the pleasure of queuing not to get into Woodstock. This free festival was open to all students all in the name of charity. Or at least it was last year. After wasting too much of my time this year queuing for possibly the worst clubs in England (Ziggys, Toffs etc.) I was fortunate to slip in through a gap in the fencing. To any discerning voices of disapproval attempting to uphold social morality (you know who you are) I can only justify my actions by emphasising the dire state of affairs at York given by the fact you had to queue to get into Vanburgh Paradise. When such a situation occurs, instinct prevails; I’m afraid it comes down to the survival of the fittest (see Darwin’s evolution theory).
OK, so you spent a good hour or two queuing to get into Vanburgh Paradise, an idyllic expanse of concrete that can only have arisen as a result of someone having a frantic fit with a cement mixer in the 1960s. Maybe he got it for Christmas. I’m sure most second and third years were asking why this was the chosen venue given the success of last year’s Woodstock, which was on Vanburgh bowl. This meant unrestricted capacity and therefore no queuing. Given this was an event in aid of charity this would have surely made more sense.
But wait, the bars won’t make any money unless you force people to use Vanburgh bar by physically caging them in and banning outside alcohol, even if you did get it from CostCutter. Charity being exploited for University capitalism, some might say.
Oh well, at least some people seemed to be making the most of a summer’s evening on the Paradise. Several of the more intuitive students utilised the event’s lakeside location by engaging in water sports, such as sailing and swimming. Both were hospitalised due to excessive amounts of battery acid in the lake.
