Blag your sabbatical: End of year special
To get this low paid but gratifying job you must win an election. Given that no one actually cares or can be bothered, you can win by getting about ten of your friends to vote. Great, now you’ve been voted in to office, but what do you do next? First of all, fashion. You can strut around campus with an air of superiority whilst sporting a fetching scarf. You must never ever take the scarf off, be it indoors or amidst a 35 degree heat wave. Or you can wear your YUSU hoodie just to remind those students who almost got out of bed to vote who you are. The possibilities are endless.
Right, you’ve perfected the art of public presentation. What next? Office conduct. Well, just spend most of your time on facebook creating groups declaring yourselves and your fellow Sabs ‘Campus Legends’. These serve no other purpose other than to heap praise onto yourself and fellow officers. Nominate yourself because someone in Ziggy’s once read the title on your hoodie and mistook it for your name. Once you have convinced yourself of your greatness you are ready to hit the ground running. Oh yes, it’s time to liaise with college chairs.
This is relatively straightforward as long as you retain several key features in your negotiations with them. Remember to exercise the power of a dictator through your immovable stance on issues that make the very concept of negotiation redundant.
Any manners your parents taught you must be forgotten as you correspond with respectful mortals with a distinct yet underlying sense of arrogance mixed liberally with a selection of naughty swear words, such as ‘fuck’. Or ‘bum’. No one will fuck with you ever again.
You may also have to deal with the campus media. A good idea is to tell them they make stuff up, either in the Nags Head toilets or during vital meetings. Don’t bother to explain why, they won’t understand.
Remember, you have little training so it is vital you come across as confident in your abilities. Type importantly. Smoke aggressively. Watch the World Cup right at the front table in Derwent and, most importantly, never, ever, admit you were wrong.
Lastly and perhaps most importantly, when making public statements, ensure that you justify your stance by reminding everyone that Stalin only killed the stupid people. Or was that Hitler?
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