The Last Word
Andreas Masoura spurts his satirical love juice over the week’s events
Bars. Well, not for much longer.
Due to missed profit targets (since overall bar profits were positive), bar opening times have been significantly reduced, in a move that will inevitably pave the way for complete closure of some college bars. Apparently York is a university. Rather than catering for students, this fiasco has reinforced the idea that the university exists primarily as a profit maximising business rather than as a provider of a suitable environment in which to take a degree. I suppose the library will be closed down if they don’t generate enough revenue from the fines. Books are required for study in the same way that bars provide a sense of community within the colleges, in which to study. Without bars the collegiate system would evaporate since colleges would merely provide rooms to sleep in. I think the problem could be resolved quite simply. If the University can’t successfully run a few bars amidst several thousand people whose primary purpose in life is drinking (the phrase ‘piss-up in a brewery’ comes to mind), then I think there needs to be some answers. No excuses please. Especially ones like ‘the JCRCs are not doing enough to attract people’. Well, firstly, it’s not their job to since they are not getting paid to. Anything they do should be appreciated in its own right, an example being the last Goodricke event which provided McQ’s with about 350 customers. Rather than staff the bar accordingly, it was staffed minimally, ensuring huge waiting times at the bar and lost profit. I don’t think these people could sell a bottle of water to Bin Laden in the dessert after he’d spent two years running from the Americans.
Protein shakes
What’s that Dave? (Says Andreas pointing to a massive bucket of powder) Errr, Protein Shake. It’s the strawberry one.
Apparently a certain student is cashing in on the rugby club’s failure to win at Roses. Having found the perfect formula for a cheap protein shake, (raw eggs mixed with milkshake) this gentleman’s concoction will ensure they do not get as comprehensively out-muscled next year. Boys, stop fannying about with milkshakes and eat some proper food.
York Terrorist
Wanted: Fairly dark complexion, suspicious looking, large beak, occasionally wears a headscarf. Yes, Members of Goodricke College are being intimidated by a psychotic goose that, according to one eyewitness account, “chased me into the lake by pecking at my face.” I suggest one of the following options. Either people stop acting like five year old girls or give me half an hour with a shotgun. Problem solved.
Kit Kat Chunky, by Nestle
A fine, crispy, wafer based chocolate bar made with cocoa so delicious you can taste the Third World’s suffering caused by its production. Nestle are sponsoring the next Goodricke event, aptly named Chocolate. Outrageous, many of you must be thinking as you put 50p in the vending machine and select those tasty Fruit Pastels. Those poor Third World children, you contemplate as you put on a pair of trainers whose production probably caused the death of several workers in Cambodia. When you decide to go to the event because there’s nothing better to do you will probably ram as much free chocolate down your throat as possible while you show off your Fair Trade stripey t-shirt to fellow revellers. Fair Trade is the future, but for now Kit Kat chunky tastes better. If this does not represent the attitude of the average York student consumer, then I apologise for my inaccuracy.
A phenomenon that has hit York harder than bird flu. Degrees have been destroyed, not as a consequence of the AUT strike but because of the arrival of Facebook. For those of you who did not believe or realise the true extent of York’s close knit community, Facebook provides diagrammatic evidence. You are connected to absolutely everyone through your friends and so can track down information on and communicate with more or less anyone you see, as a friend of mine soon discovered. A certain female who had a dislike for him (not sure why) used Facebook to track him down and deliver the most venomous written attack I have ever read. Facebook means the end of the ‘player’. We have hit tragic times in York.
Loading ...
