Give whiskey a chance: why life is more fun drunk
Students are bombarded with posters and lectures warning against the dangers of excessive drinking, but are all these well meaning campaigns just out to spoil our fun? Flora Bradwell looks at the joys of alcohol and its place in university life
Has anyone else had enough of being told not to drink? First the student population of Britain is named among the worst offenders of the binge drinking culture; then we are warned that one in ten adults self-medicates with alcohol and we will most likely be feckless drunks by the time we reach middle age. One of the main aims of the 2002 campaign by the Portman group and the National Union of Students against binge drinking among students was to make drinking just to get drunk as socially unacceptable as drink driving. This, quite frankly, is ridiculous and condescending; and is, in my humble opinion, part of the dangerous trend amongst the powers that be to conspire against us having any fun.
Throughout my time at York there has been a barrage of anti-alcohol campaigns: I have witnessed campus newspapers running features about binge drinking with pictures of overweight drunk students snogging tramps in gutters; have heard horror stories on the news about the alcoholic tendencies of the ‘youth of today’; and have received numerous distressed phone calls from my mother imploring me not to give into the vices of the demon drink.
Clearly parents are among the worst offenders, constantly alert for any sign that their beloved son or daughter has become a raving drunkard, they go to any length to lecture and patronise. Third year psychologist Lizzie Bailey returned home after a hard working term only to be dubbed ‘boozy bill’ by her apparently not so adoring father, despite the fact that she isn’t even called Bill. Other York students have encountered similar treatment from parents, discovering anti-alcohol pamphlets left lying indiscreetly around their bedrooms on their return home for the holidays. As if the parents weren’t bad enough, you can’t even escape the nagging when you return to what you though would be the haven of university life.
But what about the ‘Fact Monkey’ campaign currently swamping our college bars? It’s slick, looks pretty cool and even has a beer mat puzzle, which I must admit provides hours and hours of fun as you drunkenly shuffle it around your table in a state of semi confusion. The ‘Fact Monkey’ campaign also steers clear of all those horror stories that make other anti-drink campaigns so scary and thus distasteful to the ears of your average student in the street. This campaign is even headed by a monkey, a creature that can never fail to inspire consumer confidence as well as a little comedy: think the PG Tips adds and Johnny Vegas’s sidekick.
However, despite having ticked all the right boxes the campaign still fails to inspire me to change. The main issue I have with these beer mats of (potentially) never ending glee are the statistics on the back of the puzzle. ‘4 out of 5 university of York students stay safe by making sure their drinks are never left unattended’ boasts one beer mat; ‘9 out of 10 University of York students have never underachieved on a piece of work or exam as a result of alcohol use’ brags another. On the face of it these statistics seem commendable; the idea behind them is that potential binge drinkers see that the majority of their fellow York University students drink responsibly and will thus follow the masses. However some of these figures are much more sinister than they originally appear to be. The fact that ‘4 out of 5 University of York students believe that drinking alcohol should not affect academic or other responsibilities’ seems fair enough, but when looked at closely you realise that 1 out of every 5 University of York students, 20% of us, believe that drinking alcohol should affect academic or other responsibilities. In this way the initially encouraging statement that the beer mat seems to suggest actually translates to mean that 20% of York students believe that their academic work should be affected by drinking alcohol; 20% of York students consider it their right, and the norm, to allow drinking to affect their academic work. This, I am sure, is not the encouraging norm that the Fact Monkey campaign would have us follow.
But the real problem with any campaign trying to inspire you to drink less is the fact that drink is being targeted as something negative. As students, most of us won’t have reached the self-medicating stage and see drinking as a social activity or a way to celebrate. There are just so many great things about alcohol that make it an irresistible and enjoyable part of our lives.
The most obvious benefit of alcohol is that it helps us pull. Sadly, being members of the affectionately named University of Dork, there are, on average, fewer pretty people than at other universities. First years finding themselves in this predicament might lose all faith and resign themselves to remaining chaste. However, what it lacks in eye candy York sure makes up for in pubs, with more than one drinking hole for every day of the year. Problem solved. Beer goggles make even computer scientists seem like muscle-bound gods. Likewise, seen through beer goggles you undoubtedly appear much more desirable. Not only does being drunk automatically add soft focus to even the most repulsive of features, but it makes you feel hotter too. Hotter, in this sense, means more attractive. However, temperature-wise, the oriental flush produced after a couple at the Nag’s Head and the sweat induced by the dangerously high temperatures of Ziggy’s, are other side-effects of alcohol which, although in reality they detract from the hotness of your appearance, with the aid of beer goggles are transformed into the subtle blush of youth, and the glow of good health.
Once you have managed to pull your potentially not entirely pretty prey, alcohol can often help bring your relationship to the next level. A definite hotspot for first dates in York is the infamous Evil Eye, where the seductive lighting and tremendously alcoholic concoctions on sale are enough to win anyone over. Equally, drunk texting can often lead to situations coming to a head. Alcohol gives you the confidence to drunkenly type things like ‘mis u’, ‘yr fit’, or ‘xxxxxxxxx’ into your phone and send into the ether, which, if sober, the rules of texting would definitely not permit. And, despite the fact that one night stands are often described as a negative effect of drinking in anti-alcohol campaigns, alcohol does have the glorious effect of lowering your inhibitions, often leading to sometimes exciting, but more often than not, hilarious sex. If it wasn’t for alcohol most of my friends in relationships would be single. In fact Samuel Emanuel Mann, of Derwent college, admits: “I wouldn’t be with my girlfriend of nearly two years had it not been for red wine”. Liquor has undeniably on more than one occasion helped pave the way to love. Indeed Lizzie (aka Boozy Bill) Bailey asks the question: “is it mere coincidence that cultures in which arranged marriages are prevalent are the ones where alcohol is prohibited?”
Not only does alcohol help you meet potential partners, or at least get laid, it also helps you make friends. Those heady days of Freshers’ Week were made so much easier by the fact that they were lubricated with snakebite and black. People bonded over what drinks they liked and didn’t; and hilarious drunken anecdotes from the night before bonded people who had hitherto been strangers. Even the act of drunken pulling has cemented the firmest of friendships: most friendship groups have a bit of healthy inbreeding. And as you progress through your university career you realise that almost everyone in York has pulled each other indirectly, and that strengthens the bond of our small incestuous community. Reminiscing now with friends about those early heydays of university, we honestly don’t know how we would have met each other had it not been for Derwent bar, or the drunken singing on the Ikon bus (sadly deceased). Even the less pleasant side-effects of alcohol allow people to bond. No night out is complete without the hangover, and sharing the pain with new friends makes you realise that you’re not quite so different. It is a sad fact that if not for alcohol you would know fewer people at university.
Of course, there is the obvious argument that joining societies is a great, non-alcoholic, way to meet people, and this is true. However, more often than not a society social revolves around, you’ve guessed it, drinking. This is most true of sports teams, where members play the game on the pitch, and drinking games off it. However painful or childish some might find games like ‘Never Have I Ever’ or ‘Truth Or Dare’, they are undeniably used as the glue which sticks the social fabric of sports clubs together. Without such games netball, rugby and football teams would fail to bond as they do, thus leading to an absence of teamwork on the pitch and ultimate failure. Despite York’s not very inspiring performance at Roses this year I am still confident in my theory that sporting prowess is improved through social drinking. Clearly Lancaster must have drunk more than York in preparation for the head-to-head. No trials into the effects drinking games have on sporting achievement have yet been run but I am sure that when they are, the results will be startling. John Griffiths of Derwent Seconds football team believes drinking is an integral part of the game. Although he admits that “drinking with sports is a way of punishing people for doing good things”, referring to the challenges the man of the match must undergo; he feels that this benefits the equilibrium of the team itself as “the balance between very good and very bad is moderated”. Obviously alcohol not only seals love and friendship, but also enables teamwork to flourish.
Added to these truly miraculous powers is the power to make everything seem better. How are the attendees of this summer’s ball going to be able to stand the incessant noise of Bjorn Again without indulging in some alcoholic beverages? How would Ziggy’s be fun at all without being proceeded by the Micklegate run? How would any campus event seem like anything other than a glorified school disco without double vodka red bulls? I must confess to having once ventured to Toff’s without having imbibed any alcohol, and the experience, never to be repeated again, was indeed a sobering one. Just as the nightlife of York is undoubtedly improved by alcohol, so is the cuisine offered to those reaching the end of their night out. The Golden Grill becomes a delicatessen of delight after a night on’t town; and at any time past midnight the array of deep fried goodies York’s Yummy Chicken’s menu boasts well outstrips anything the Blue Bicycle might have to offer. The facts speak for themselves: York would be nothing without alcohol.
It is not only York that is improved by watching it through thick blurry beer goggles. The average York student undergoes a similar transformation. This is not only true in the physical appearance stakes, but in fact in every aspect of your being. Pretty much like Bananaman, once you have had a drink you assume magical powers, transforming from an everyday scruffy spotbag to an alcohol fuelled superhero. Among your powers are: strength you never knew you had; the ability to dance like they do on Strictly Dance Fever; the quick-witted intelligence of Stephen Fry; and the ability to brave all weather conditions wearing minimal clothing. With such an impressive array of talents it is little wonder that sticking a picture of a monkey on the back of a couple of beer mats won’t change students’ lifestyles. The powers of Alcohol-Man are too great and too tempting to be overcome by even the cutest of chimps. The simple fact of the matter is that drinking is fun and makes everything great.
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Love the article. I just went on the wagon, but I still salute its truthful clarity. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Yours honourably,
Bushido89