On entering their Fairfax kitchen, several students were met with ferocious levels of smoke. No, this time they hadn’t burnt their baked bean and tuna pasta or created fire works by grilling something using a meat fat encrusted grill pan that they were too lazy to ever clean. Given the asbestos ceilings had not internally combusted and no, Fairfax’s scheduled demolition had not come early, from the fire service’s report I can confirm it was no accident.

The unnamed suspected York University arsonist (his boys wouldn’t grass him up even though he could have killed them) made a prolific attempt at setting the kitchen on fire, which could have potentially killed an unsuspecting student. It was a poor attempt. In fact there were not even any flames. Thank God, you must be thinking, but if the matter were to be addressed objectively it might be seen as a pathetic reflection on York students.

Kitchens are not difficult to set on fire. His technique urgently needs to be addressed since it consisted of turning on the hob, then putting a sandwich toaster on top of that and turning that on too. It resulted in a melted sandwich toaster rather than a September 11th style destruction of Fairfax.

Perhaps that last cheese toasty was one too many and set him on a violent, destructive rampage against the responsible sandwich toaster. Even so, it was dire attempt at arson. To help this poor chap out, I have compiled a few steps that would ensure a successful arson attempt:

1) Rummage through the rubbish to find that old copy of Vision that you threw away moments after reading, and that hadn’t been utilised when your toilet paper ran out.

2) Carefully pick off any chunks of pasta stuck on to Vision and any other large pieces of food and hang to dry out. Don’t worry if any stains have obscured the text, fortunately you will not have to read any of it again.

3) Once Vision has dried out, shove it into the toaster and activate the toaster as you would if you were making toast.

4) Add petrol for maximum effect.

I hope these instructions are easier to follow than YUSU’s online voting was.

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