Which Pancake?

We are outraged that the sanctity of Lent is not given the respect it deserves, as people continue to consume batter-based products long after Shrove Tuesday when all should be living on a diet of Smash and tap water. For the uninitiated (Heathens! Infidels!) a pancake features the following deeply significant ingredients; eggs for creation, salt for wholesomeness, milk for purity, and flour, the stuff of life. But we say, smother your pancake with golden syrup and Nutella and consume with tequila! For anyone whose ceiling bears testament to previous pancake attempts, we have traversed the high street so you do not have to endure the trials and tribulations of flipping. Bon appetit.

Mothers’ Pride Pancakes, 89p for 6.

If you like your pancakes, or indeed your food in general, to taste like dusty old carpet, then this is for you. It seems to repel any liquid it comes into contact with and then expand, making digestion a little tricky. If you use hot butter and maple syrup, the concoction is just about edible, as long as you throw the pancake away first.

Betty’s Banana Pancake, £3.60.

Blatantly the deluxe version, this treat is available all year round should you get a taste for it post-Shrove Tuesday. The bananas are firm; the pancakes are thick and crispy and smothered in thick, warm caramel fudge sauce. I know that the former were involved somewhere, it said so on the menu, but it’s the sauce that’s so good it makes you forget where you are, never mind what you’ve already eaten. I suspect huge amounts of monosodium glutamate are involved, but apparently Betty’s are ‘above’ that.

Marks and Spencer Scotch Pancakes, 99p for 8.

These are not just normal pancakes… these are Marks and Spencer pancakes! Loved by all in the office, these pancakes went down as a treat, described as an ‘afternoon delight’. At first glance, these pancakes brought back memories of fat Americans enjoying morning pancakes smothered in syrup, piled with bacon and other fatty items. However, these pancakes, best eaten toasted, were surprisingly tasty. Our advice is to cover them in golden syrup and gobble them up as quickly as possible. We found that while these scrumptiously fluffy pancakes taste lovely with a few balls of cold vanilla ice cream, they slip down far to easily. Before we knew it, all eight had vanished!

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