Underneath the Tweed

I write this piece in honour of campus’ biggest celebrity yet. His profile continues to expand and is only fuelled further by outrageous antics such as public nudity. As the star of YSTV, I’m sure he has entertained you in your thousands. As URY’s next signing, listening figures are set to increase ten fold. At the moment they average at about 5 people. He has even eclipsed Rob Wilson as the star of Fusion to the extent that Rob has been forced to quit. (Rob is undisputedly York’s premier black man). By now you must be wondering who this immense specimen of humanity is.

Even if you’re not I’m going to reveal him. Mr. Tweed.

The former James College treasurer added some excitement to the usually mundane James JCRC meeting. Apparently Mr Tweed stormed in waving a homophobic video, demanding that it be shown in the JCR.

The LGB officer disagreed. Anyway, Mr. Tweed burst into the kitchen and attempted to chop his hair off with a scissors, emphasising his disgust at the LGB officer in question.

Well, it was a poor attempt so instead he whipped his cock out, as you do, and proceeded to the middle of the meeting and in an inspirational display of agility and athleticism that would rival a pole dancing Russian gymnast, Mr. Tweed performed The Helicopter.

For those freshers who are still unaware of The Helicopter, it is a technically demanding activity that usually takes place within the confines of the Toffs dance floor, or the upstairs bit in Ziggys. Mr. Tweed has done the unthinkable and taken the sport to a whole new level. He has pushed boundaries, even broken barriers to make The Helicopter widely accepted by introducing it into the JCRC environment.

Incredibly enough, Mr. Tweed was pressurised into resigning, otherwise the JCRC would have ‘no confidence’ voted him out. This is completely unacceptable and a breach of individual and political freedom. How dare they discriminate against him based on his gifted grasp of a widely growing sport?
Vote Mr. Tweed for SU Treasurer. I’m sure he’d do a great job and surely couldnot leave the finances in a worse mess than they are now.

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