January has seen some shocking trends in student behaviour. Queues in kebab shops are down and herbal tea consumption is on the rise. We have decided to beat the detox fascists and have significantly upped our calorie intakes to find the treats that will leave your spoon well and truly greasy!
The Full House, Cafe 38 £1.40
Surely the ultimate hangover cure, the full house is a perfect fry up- in a sandwich! Four chunky sausages, piles of smoky, crispy bacon and creamy scrambled egg tucked into a soft, white bap. It’s ideal for the mornings when the alcohol won’t leave your bloodstream and you need some serious artery-hardening action before you can see properly. This is not just greasy food, this is Micklegate greasy food!
Battered Mars Bar, Prices vary
This “health clogging catastrophe” has broken out of the Scottish border and is now served everywhere from Dublin to Bondi Beach. The extreme heat of the battering effect apparently releases “long chain sugars” into the already calorific chocolate caramel combo. Another result of the heating process means that the bar may disintegrate, although the melted chocolate taste sensation makes this no bad thing. Proceed with caution, though: The record number eaten at any one time is three, and all attempts to break this have resulted in copious amounts of vomit.
Vanilla Slice, Vanbrugh, 88p
Although most of this pastry ended up in crumb form on the Nouse carpet, our sugar high lasted for hours. The thick white layer of icing on top is so damn good we’re not entirely sure it’s legal. The velvety vanilla custard is cosseted by layers of no nonsense flaky pastry, making this literally the mother of all cakes – fabulously comforting, but sensibly robust.
Donor Kebab, Micklegate Takeaway, £3.50
A notoriously drunken treat, the donor kebab can only be justified whilst under the influence. It claims to be meat, some sort of lamb concoction apparently! The ‘meat’ is shaved off the revolving spit and slapped into a pitta bread with a selection of salady things to disguise the fact that it is barely edible! You can also choose to have your kebab covered in chilli or garlic sauce, surely another masking device, which serves to give the only flavour to this fatty delight!