York campus an alluring prospect
This season’s must-haves, reports Richard Tator
Oooh Scandal! So the new prospectus has arrived in time to be handed out to windswept prospective students. And how captivating it must be for them, as they frolic around the campus and play matching up all the pictures and colourful descriptions with their concrete reality.
For those of you too encased in that concrete to warrant this glossy prossy (A life without York? Unthinkable), here’s just a teaser of the sort of thing you’re missing out on. Or not, of course, as you’re already lucky enough to be bathing in its glory.
Dominating the architecture laden pages are upright frontals of Heslingtonfordville Hall, where all students are welcomed for chips and veal for £3.50, communally flanking long wooden tables under the favourable eyes of top-table managers.
Similarly impressive is the gushing, wet dream of a water feature that is the Central Aquatic Complex – Uni PR currently spending thousands on changing abbreviation, (CAC to QUAC) – with cosy punts, friendly ducks and a bed full of tossed-off Central Hall coinage that not only is collected and sent on to arms companies – that is, purveyors of artificial limbs for war victims – but also, legend has it, bestows a guardian 24-hour porter on everyone who throws up their money into its cleansing waters.
Liquid refreshment of another kind is to be found in every college, in all-night drop-out centres. Service (not included in the bill) is with a smile, an alcoholism-awareness Care Bear and advice on ethical identity disorders.
A continental flavour is available from Cafe Teria, an entertainment complex, serving fromaggio-fritta-incrusta and bread with a bit of the old fromaggio on or even in between.
Unfamiliar with such glamour? It is simply that the university develops at such a rate, the mag has trouble keeping up. Maybe a weekly? But ye olde Bleachfield textile factory is still running on urine. Impatience is a virtue.
Rooms are all fully furnished with walls, floors, and even a roof, as well as jacuzzis and a parrot for those who just need to talk. Inventories offer the chance for assessment and, if not completely satisfied, replacement (really, ed.) of said walls etc.
Perhaps if the view is not to one’s liking, we would suggest that you move to a hotel nearer to the prospectus. Or preferably in it.
Richard Tator
Loading ...
