Crash and burn on freshers week: the alternative guide for students
Fresher guides are meant to be a helpful, informative, step by step guide on how to survive freshers week; a week regarded by many as the most important week of our lives. Yet these days the guides can be so presumptive. They simply assume that you actually want to make friends when you arrive at University and inevitably they are almost always so biased towards the emotionally stable. What about the neglected minority of sociopaths among us who desire to reek havoc and alienate as many people as possible? Yes we know there are many boring, unoriginal people out there who will see the week as the opportunity to make lasting friendships but there are others who see the seven days as the chance to meet as many people as possible and alienate them all.
Fear tactics are particularly effective; try turning up on the first day wearing a suit like a game show host and a badge entitled ‘Minister of Spiritology’. Most people will not understand what spiritology is, which provides the cue for you to launch into a full explanation of this new religion. They may sound intrigued but it won’t be until you attempt to convert them with your healing hands that you will witness the full extent of their response.
There’s nothing like a bout of ecoli to bond people together.
If you do not have time to search out an appropriate costume, try introducing yourself with a false, comical name and make it clear that you have come to university on a journey to recruit more comrades to your cult, ‘the circle of friendship’. Purchasing an oversized ring, to be worn on the little finger, will emphasise your power and convincingness.
At some point in the first week it is customary for somebody to offer to cook for the flat. Take it upon yourself to serve up a deliciously undercooked meal of something exotic and unpopular, which people will be too polite to decline. There’s nothing like a bout of ecoli to bond people together. If your fellow dinner guests are not displaying sufficient enjoyment whilst eating their food (watch out for the pushing-the-food-around-the-plate tactic), begin to remark on the thousands of children in Africa dying from starvation every day. After the meal you could then suggest that people make a donation to the Live Aid cause, at which point you take out a collection box marked ‘Saving Orphans’. This will raise at least enough money from your guests to buy you a drink that night.
Furthermore, in order to display what a generous nature you have, go one step further than the gesture of offering around biscuits or tea to your fellow corridor inhabitants, and ask a female fresher from the north to be your maid. She may feign outrage or even disgust but this must be swiftly ignored. Just remember that given her background she could clearly do with the extra pocket money and is undoubtedly secretly very pleased and relieved at the kind offer.
When visiting the bar for the first time, ensure that you get your attitude right and realise early on that fresher’s week is a fantastic opportunity for personal gain. Instead of concentrating on the minor task of making friends, take advantage of the spirit of goodwill to procure the phone numbers of as many attractive people as possible and lure vulnerable looking strangers into buying you copious expensive drinks. If they get your order wrong shout loudly and throw it in their face before ordering them to buy you a replacement. This is particularly effective if accompanied by a remark to your fellow companion such as ‘You just can’t get the labour these days. I say bring back the slaves’.
‘what does your daddy do?’ is always a great icebreaker.
Also, instead of opting for the traditional tactic of aiming to promote yourself as a potential friend to just anyone, avoid time wasters by introducing a selection process. Always begin conversations by ensuring the person attended a prestigious public school and is of sound financial status; ‘what does your daddy do?’ is always a great icebreaker. After pushing nobodies aside, spend the remainder of the conversation networking unashamedly and trying to ascertain whether the person in question wields any kind of useful power, such as with YUSU, door-safe or a family connection that could give you impressive work experience.
Avoid boring your newfound company with repetitive and banal chat. Break below surface trivia and show how interesting you are by engaging your peers in healthy debate about controversial issues such as your radical views on immigration policy and the need for more wars in the Middle East. Being politically correct is so 1994. Another useful remark to be made if the conversation begins to quieten is to divulge your fierce support for dictators. Saddam Hussein, Mussolini and Stalin are particular favourites.
Once you’re on a roll, follow this up by asking personal questions, such as whether or not the person has ever had Chlamydia or aborted or fathered a lovechild. People always seem to divulge personal information on fresher’s week in an effort to share. This can be used to launch a smear campaign against them at a later stage or will serve as suitably sufficient information to blackmail them when you need essays to be written.
If people begin to ask you questions it is vital to lie as extravagantly as possible. To show what a high calibre person you are it is worth considering inventing a blood link with Michael Jackson or the profit Mohamed. To gain respect and attract admirers, radiate an aura of wealth by flashing monopoly money and complaining loudly about how annoying it is that the University refused to grant you a parking permit for your convertible Lexus. You could point out that this kind of service would never occur at Cambridge and then launch into a tearful lament about how much you wish you were there instead of at York.
If, after all of this effort, you are still feeling a little lonely it might be time to focus on one particular individual to latch on to. In real life this is called stalking, but in fresher’s week it is called making a special effort to make close friends. After a few days of following them around campus and texting them late at night you are sure to be best friends. Do not feel disheartened if they do not reply to any of the texts or even begin to send rude ones in return; take this as evidence that it is even more important to convert these people. If you do not feel that they are embracing the new friendship with their whole heart however, maybe it is time to break into their room and wait for them to arrive home after a late night. That’s commitment to a friendship.
