Hello, good afternoon, and welcome to this, the special, extended edition of nouse (est. 1964, ‘Best font’- Guardian Student Media Awards, 2004), with 25% more text!!! As we all know, students invariably are a bunch of dirty little tramps, and you lot at York are no exception. I’ll wager the majority of you can be found at the biweekly ‘dogging’ marathons in James’ College car park, if not taking part with the SU exec then heckling from the sidelines, salivating like an Alsatian.
I bet some of you are a tad fed up and disillusioned with pursuing this perversion. Do you feel dirty? Defiled? Deviant? Well now you don’t have to worry about what other people think, YUSU are here to ensure that you can live out your subversive fantasies from the cum-fort of your own home.
“Call now for hot sex talk! Tonnes of sex-starved YUSU Committee sluts gagging to take the full length of your call! We go all the way! Call now to find out what exactly goes on backstage at the UGM, behind closed doors. We’ll give you an officer’s report you’ll never forget – you’re bound to cum back for more! Just call now on extension number 6969.”
Calls charged at only £5 per minute, five pence of every call guaranteed to go to the minibus fund. Calls may be monitored or, indeed, minuted by Jolene for unnecessary and overly bureaucratic purposes.