No 05, Management Studies – Blag your Degree

Wakey, wakey! Rise and shine ya bastards. Once again it’s up to me to sort out the putrid mess you’ve made of your lives. You know, you should really start putting some effort in, I won’t be here to wipe your nose forever. I’ve got beef with some serious idlers this issue; Management students, here it is, crazy fools.

It is the U-bend into which flows the annual, excremental discharge from all other academic departments. Are you a complete and utter failure? Have your parents threatened to divorce you? Never fear, Management is here! This course spawns the next generation of embittered, misanthropic lechers required for ‘important’ positions in managing ‘companies.’ Examples of companies are shops. Despite not being capable of hanging on to a decent degree, you now have the chance to redeem yourself at a microscopic level.

So take note, the dog may have eaten your Chemistry degree, but this one is laminated, so that won’t happen again. If you cock up Management, you’re a royal genetically transmitted disorder. Let’s do this thang:

1. Okay, so you’ve escaped shit creek for now. You buggered up your Philosophy degree, but you’ve been given a second chance. Don’t think you can relax yet though, or there may be a bowel eruption of volcanic proportions. If you fail again, you won’t get another chance here. You may even have to go to a former polytechnic (cringe) if you want to try again.

2. Obviously you can see that it’s important for you to pull your fecking finger out this time. To this end, here comes the choice snippets of advice, straight from the horse’s arse. For starters, it’s imperative that you have some sort of mild personality disorder to get ahead in this subject, preferably sociopathy. Practice your firebrand aggressive tendencies by spontaneously and literally throwing the book at your housemates. Your 10kg management textbook will work best.

3. Once you’ve mastered this art, and/or been evicted by your friends, you must try and find happiness. Buy a pack of cigars called Hamlet, a big leather swivel chair, and get puffing! Try to accompany this with sporadic outbursts of, “Get out of my office, see?” or, “I built this company from a nickel and a rusty shoe, see?”

4. Photocopy your arse. Repeat Ad nauseam.

5. Employers view work experience as extremely attractive in Management applicants. Try to get this in as early as possible, i.e. now! One simple way of doing this would be to become an amateur pervert. Experience as a sex pest is the first step towards professional sexual harassment. Go team!

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