Blag your degree

Slightly misleading start there, I’ve tricked you into thinking that Anthony Blair Esquire has some sort of connection with the world of politics. As anyone academically or intimately connected with the subject will inform you, this is bollocks.

You can imagine how easy it is to make this sort of mistake, along with many others, when encountering the veritable plethora of information concerning politics. With this in mind, let me spell out for all you gormless idiots just what the deal is. It’s going to hurt you a lot more than it’s hurting me, but you’ll thank me in the end. When you walk away from this homage with more than a third or a ‘great experience’ you’ll thank me.

Well really, I don’t actually give a toss. I’m only doing this so I can put it on my C.V. As far as I’m concerned you can all swivel. I hope you find the following advice as useful as a chocolate Pope.

1. First things first. You must enter your Politics degree with a flourishing interest in the issues covered and a burning desire to examine all possible approaches and ideologies. This high level of motivation is vital, so that it will be all the more impressive to see it utterly sapped and shat on as you’re inevitably forced to face the grim reality of your situation.

2. Forget the reading list, all you really need to buy is a copy of Politics by Ricky Gervais, available from all good DVD retailers. The fat man knows what he’s talking about. Seriously, it’s the good stuff.

3. If, however, you must rely on books, I would recommend The Prince by Machiavelli. This can be useful because it enables you to say things like: “That’s a bit Machiavellian.” If you can regularly pinch nuggets of knowledge like that, you’re bound to be the toast of the tutorial, and will be welcome at countless fashionable parties.

4. Remember to purchase some sort of Socialist repellent spray, as close contact can result in severe irritation, even for the most liberal minded of us. I personally find soap to be tremendously effective.

5. Of course, the whinging, Guevara worshipping lefties are pussycats compared to the Sodding Tories. Avoid these bastards at all costs, lest ye be drawn into a highly infuriating and pointless debate about immigration or income tax. They should be easy enough to spot by their middle England pronunciation, uninspiring dress sense or gross facial disfigurement.

6. Above all, don’t worry about your pointless degree. You can always take up some modules from Philosophy or Economics. They’re much more fun, and tutors are far more likely to have interesting beards.