OK, first off I’d very much like to offer an apology to any of you that were grossly offended by the last edition of this column. I really would relish the opportunity to spout messages of regret to the poor, fragile sensibilities of any Computer Scientists who didn’t find my ideas remotely helpful or humourous. Honestly, nothing would give me greater pleasure than grovelling for their forgiveness.
Unfortunately, that’s all a load of bollocks. I’m going to continue exploiting subject stereotypes until I’m blue in the face, possibly through severe bruising, but that’s just the risk I’ll have to take until someone issues a gagging order.
So, if any of you Art Historians feel misrepresented by this article, and fancy e-mailing in to confirm everything printed here via the act and nature of your complaint itself, just bear in mind the bare-faced tenacity and journalistic self-satisfaction you’ll meet with. Here’s my advice for completing your, ehm, ‘degrees’:
1. Dress completely in black. This helps to maintain your air of moody enigma and is also very practical in terms of laundry. The only exception to this rule is your underwear, which should be crafted from the purest, thickest tweed.
2. Try to convince your housemates and landlord that double-glazing, like the history of science, is just an unnecessarily luxurious and temporary fad. If the Philistines aren’t converted, replace all the windows with stained glass anyway.
3. Smoke only the roughest, high tar, unfiltered cigarettes, proud produce of Macedonia, or alternatively Marlboro Lights. Either way, do it through a foot-long cigarette holder while wearing a berét; a black one, of course.
4. It has to be said, you’re not going to get anywhere in this subject without being fashionably pretentious. If you’re not sure what this means, or you’re uncomfortable with such extravagance, don’t worry. The trick is to play Devil’s Advocate. If you vocally disagree with anything and evrything that anyone else says, no matter how sensible or based in fact, you should be fine.
5. Remember that you don’t actually need any talent to do this subject. The term ‘Art’ is loosely applied in almost every context. You don’t need to be able to draw pretty pictures, all that’s really required is a burning desire to criticise the lifes work of other people.
I appear to have run out of room. This section seems to contain less and less helpful advice every edition. Marvellous.