NO 02, Computer Science - Blag your degree
Yes that’s correct! No you haven’t gone mad. We really are continuing with this feature. Scientific-style studies show that none of you would be capable of surviving your degrees without taking note of what we, your loving campus rag, have to say about it. So you’d better sit back, shut up and take note, unless of course you want to fail and be rejected by civilized society.
This issue we shall be talking down to computer scientists. These poor sods are students of a degree which, when originally created, was intended for trolls, Babylon 5 fans and people called Matt, but has achieved surprising levels of success in the mainstream. Therefore, due to the specialist nature of the course, we find it necessary to preach incessantly at you in order to aid your graduation. So, computer science, here’s how to blag it. You ignorant fools.
1. Develop a taste for coffee; black, twelve sugars, and the turd of a small animal to get that halitosis spot on.
2. Strap your copy of Linux to your genitals; it’s a much more efficient use of energy when you have to talk to other computer scientists, a task which invariably results in you collectively masturbating over third-party operating systems and open-source.
3. Compensate for your personality deficits by wearing the most ‘hilarious’ shirt possible. Everyone will think you’re a legend and absolutely nobody will comment on how much of a cock you are behind your back.
4. Showering every day is not recommended. If someone in the lab detects the absence of even the faintest whiff of decomposing perspiration, there’s a danger you might be ostracised from their group. “You are not one of us, oh fragrant one.”
5. It is important to blend in vocally as well as nasally, as jargon is inevitable in this subject. To take this further you could even combine the two. In between sentences, why not try to emit a mid-frequency nasal drone. This valuable tool is the height of geek chic.
6. With a change in language comes inevitable change in humour. You must develop this intricately and painfully in order to find jokes such as, “If God had intended humans to program, we would be born with
serial I/O ports,” even remotely funny.
WARNING: an error of the type ‘useless bullshit advice’ has occurred. Scripts may no longer be run on this page. For more hilarious programming humour and procrastination visit http://www.heuse.com/cphumor.htm… you sad twat.
