The University was left in a state of very-nearly shock when the corpses of the entire York Student Union were found in Goodricke dining hall last week.
While most of the ineffective Student Union reps were described as being killed by “blunt trauma”, several were found to have choked to death on copies of the minutes of the most recent UGM. There are no suspects, and, reacting to this, York Police have issued a statement saying that while they refuse to rule murder out at this point, they don’t believe it is that likely, and have no plans to investigate further.
Perhaps even more shocking is the discovery that the SU had been dead for over a month, during which time they had chaired several UGM and other meetings that were even less eventful. One insider claimed exclusively to NoUse; “It never occurred to us that something might be wrong. I mean, the meetings were going at the same pace they always were. Nothing useful was happening, and no-one was really saying anything. Y’know, business as usual.”
A statement was issued by Evil VC Brian Cantor shortly after the murdered wannabe politicians were found: “MWAHAHAHA! YOUR POWERLESS STUDENT UNION HAS BEEN DEFEATED! ELECTIONS FOR A NEW TEAM OF PATHETIC REPRESENTITIVES WILL TAKE PLACE SOON! CONTINUE LIVING YOUR FUTILE LIVES IN YOUR DAMP, HORRIBLY OVERCROWDED ACCOMMODATION! MWAHAHAHA!” Later, NoUse exclusively overheard the Vice Chancellor telling someone else that life since the demise of the beleaguered SU had been “great actually. I haven’t had them asking me about that bloody monorail in ages.”
In a poll conducted by NoUse, over 100% of the students asked told us that University life had “not changed noticeably” during the time the Union had been dead. Indeed, many students had been unaware of the existence of the SU until the incident. Mitchell Hodgemire, a second year Art History “student”, commented; “I didn’t actually know that we had one of those. Are you sure? Hang on a minute, if we have a union, why don’t we have a union bar?”
There will be no temporary student reps appointed for the rest of the year as all agree there is no point really.