The Cockpit, Leeds

The location of the Cockpit is ideal; found under looming dark damp railway arches, it truly is the height of glamour. The best thing about it is the proximity of “HOT STUFF”, one of the finest kebab shops in Leeds. Just don't try asking for mayonnaise.

"I'd love you to sit on my face" he said to the buxom female as she looked incredulously into his eyes. There are a lot of pretentious wankers at the Cockpit, as well a few good men. Of the three rooms, one (themain bar) is a treat, while the other two are mainly retro shite. Gorge yourself on the drinks promotions (£1.80 a double and mixer, £1.50 a bottle of Carling) and you'll have a good night no matter which room you're in or who you come across. Go for cheap gin and lemonade, with a packet of dry roasted on the side. Be horrified to see oh-so-trendy girls wearing the night-dress that you joked about wearing earlier in the day. The DJs range from godlike beauty to large, redhead, Northern woman WLTM man with GSOH.

If you like indie music from Happy Mondays to the Libertines, and from the Rolling Stones to the Strokes, along with a bit of naughty electro and even naughtier men, this is probably the night for you. The Cockpit (the name- think aeroplane): it's not a gay bar. Except on Thursdays.

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