In a shock development last night the English Department, described as “very intelligent but extremely poncey” by a major newspaper, organised a coup d’etat and assumed control of the University. Brian Cantor, the former Vice-Chancellor, has since been exiled to the potato mines of Albania.
“We realised,” said a Mr. C. Dickens of the English Department, “That the amount of work that English students do is so tiny that they inevitably take control of most societies on campus. We decided that, hell, if the students can do it then so can we.”
Sources close to the new elite confirmed that massive changes are afoot. Goodricke College, the University’s foremost ghetto, is to be converted to a makeshift prison for those that study “disgusting science degrees where there’s only one answer to a question.” Alcuin college is also to be bulldozed to make way for a library extension: “Our ultimate aim is to create a library that is between one and two square miles, although I don’t know for sure since I’m crap at maths.”
However, our new overlords won’t have everything their own way. When awoken, many in the History department were outraged: “We shall rise up like the Holy Roman Empire following the accession of Frederick Barbarossa. Or Otto I, depending on how we feel in the morning.”
Innuendo also tried to obtain statements from the Politics Department but after several hours of political discussion we were forced to use tear gas and beat a hasty retreat. Likewise, we attempted to talk to the Philosophy Department but were greeted with questions as to whether the University actually existed.
The English staff's rule won't be long-lived, however, as a Mr. V. Lenin of the AUT vowed to “overrule the bourgeoisie capitalist dogs who run the Uni and their imperialist lackeys in the English Department.” The Socialist Workers' Party was asked to comment but their reply, as usual, was deemed too offensive and daft to publish.