The Student Counsel
Our:Panel
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Chess Soc – Can solve any gambit you open with |
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Indie Soc – Advice as feeble as his middle of the road music |
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Rugger bugger – More sensitive and thoughtful than he looks |
Your:Problem
Dear nouse,
For once I am the one seeking advice about a situation that has arisen recently, and I am not sure what to do about it. This feels a little strange to me as I am usually the one giving out the advice and I am finding it hard to reverse the roles. A while back, I made a comment which caused a slight uproar, and a lot of people have taken offence to what I said. I don’t think what I said was out of order and think that people these days are scared of debate and controversy. All I was doing was telling the truth! Anyway, I apologised for the comment, but this does not seem to be good enough and the consequences have been severe for both my reputation and ultimately my career. How do I go about rectifying the situation in order to salvage my reputation – and my job?
R K-S, London.
Don’t be me
The first thing to do, if you realise in time, is apologise. Profusely.
When we say something stupid, our initial reactions as human beings is to keep digging. And digging. And digging. It is much better if you just stop talking, take a deep breath and apologise to the person (or persons!) you have just mortally offended. Do not try and justify what you have just said – if they are affronted by what you said in the first place, reemphasising it is just going to make matters worse. If you still stand by what you say, this hint still applies. In this case, apologise for causing them offence but say this is how you feel. Most people will appreciate honesty, even if it’s not something they themselves agree with. Anyway, the only thing worse than someone being blatantly offensive, is someone who spinelessly backs down the minute what they say is contested. Which is something I would never do. Obviously.
Sacrifice a pawn
Unfortunately, a split second response can have dire consequences which continue long after the sentence is uttered, and can still leave you cringing with regret months after. Sadly, there is no simple way out of these kinds of situations, and sometimes you just have to ride out the bad times. Today’s news is tomorrow’s chip paper – with a bit of luck people will learn to forgive and forget. Also, hopefully, it will mean that you will think twice before speaking next time, and can take that foot out of your mouth for good!!
Use tact next time
Unfortunately, no matter how much we would like, it’s impossible to un-say something. It is so easy to blurt out whatever comes into our heads in the heat of the moment. It might just be that the way we phrased something was totally and horrifically wrong.
Learn to develop tactics which should prevent you saying the wrong thing in the first place. There is the obvious tactic – LIE. Perfect. You charm them with a smooth one liner and come away looking like a saint. You avoid getting caught in a sticky situation and continue to be liked, worshipped and admired.
Tact, defined as the finesse of judgement, is a useful tool when trying to maintain good relationships. It requires a little thought and articulation. “In that dress you look like Shrek’s ugly sister” can be rephrased to “I don’t think that’s the most flattering cut – this other one looked much better.” which will hopefully have the same result i.e. she doesn’t buy the dress but you will still have a friend by the time you leave the shop.
Don’t Despair
If you’ve got a problem that needs a good probing, email features@nouse.co.uk
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