NOBS Discovered
Plans for a new society have finally been given the go ahead today by the Student’s Union after years of rejection. The latest organisation, known as the Northern Official Bastard’s Society (or NOBS as we affectionately call them), is likely to appeal to Northerners across campus. The sudden change in tact from the SU comes after a dramatic increase of northern students studying at York. As one spokesperson says: ‘Northerners simply weren’t educated in the past; however, the recent government calls for “equal opportunities” mean we are lumbered with the twats.’
The SU proposals will ensure an over-generous sum of money is channelled into the society which will fund projects aimed at preserving the northern stereotype. Training has already begun for some members who have enlisted in the Excessive Alcohol Consumption and Wife Beating schemes (classes run consecutively on a Wednesday night in PX/001). The chairperson took time away from his busy drinking schedule to stress the importance of these activities, claiming the NOBS are the future representatives of Britain: ‘Football hooliganism and loutish behaviour in holiday resorts is what we northern folk were born for.’
Still, it’s not all serious business at the society as, genetically speaking, our northern friends can’t concentrate for extended periods of time. Regular socials are held for the NOBS which host a wide range of fun activities including drinking games, drinking contests and social drinking. Whilst this may seem relatively harmless and ensures all Northerners are kept off the streets, intelligent individuals (namely Southerners) have voiced concerns. One highlighted the danger of giving an uncultured group copious amounts of funds: ‘Having educated Northerners is bad enough but supporting their society could result in them forgetting their working class roots altogether. If this is the case, Butlins and Woolworths will loose both valuable employees and customers.’
One of the NOBS attempted to answer this criticism but unfortunately his poor quality and heavily accented dialect, as well as his offensive, drunken body language, made it difficult to interpret. Not that we wanted to waste time listening to Northerners anyway.
Whilst we may not be able to make sense from Northerners a lot of the time, today’s events will confirm one abundant fact – No matter how much funding and representation we give these NOBS, they will always remain northern, and therefore inferior, members of society.
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