Hold The Front Page

Campus computers now work as well as normal computers, thanks to an undercover operation by The University and a new piece of SU legislation.

Last week a porter (‘disguised’ in a tank top) visited every computer room on campus at 4am to find out what the bloke in the corner does. ‘I noticed that every single one was downloading pictures’ he told NoUse ‘These take up an enormous amount of memory, resulting in a slow and shit performance. It also explains why there is never any paper left in the printers’. A quick search revealed that some people had saved up to 16,000 photo-quality images on their hard drives. As a result, the SU has implemented a complete ban on looking at pictures on campus computers.

The punishment for breaking the new rule is one much favoured by The University – if anyone is suspected of anything, they will have their name, address and telephone number printed across the first four pages of a campus newspaper.

Beleagured campus rag newshound Jon Beetham told us ‘This method is obviously a suitable punishment, plus it’s great for campus morale. And it sells newspapers, which is important when they’re free because the profit margins are so small. And someone else would have done it anyway. And it wasn’t my idea. And its fun. And helpful.’

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