Jesus Christ was controversially barred from CU events for life last week, after a series of mishaps marred His visit to campus. The Christian Union had originally booked God, who makes an appearance every year to choose the next CU president. The CU are the only society to choose Presidents by divine right, but this selection process is now against SU rules. The process has been deemed unconstitutional, because God is undemocratic. Even though this means that the CU are now an unratified society, God was still willing to make an appearance until the last minute logistical problems with His omnipresence.
Current CU President Laura Chaste told NoUse 'As an unratified society we can only book small rooms on campus. There's no way we would have got God into a seminar room, He’s huge. We would have needed somewhere like Derwent'.
Jesus agreed to appear on behalf of His father, cancelling his appointment to open the new Mecca Bingo on Fishergate, but it was cataclysmic from the start. The beardy sandal-wearer was initially locked in the Physics building, after it was assumed one of their students had escaped. After explaining His way out of physics, He took a shortcut across the lake, from which it is believed He has contracted a nasty urinary infection. The trouble with the CU began when He visited the popular yet non-alcoholic Omni-Cafe. He was forcibly ejected for performing His famous trick of turning water into wine, and offering it round. After Doorsafe roughed him up a bit He decided to drink all the wine Himself, resulting in a drunken piss against the Buddha statue behind Vanbrugh College. A CU spokesman said ‘It doesn’t matter who He is, we are intolerant [towards alcohol]’.
Doubting Thomas Sheffield, a Vanbrugh student, bumped into Him later that night outside Oki?s kebab van. ‘He was quite nice’ said Tom, 21, ‘When I told him I didn’t believe in Him, he offered to get me stoned to death’.
The Christian Union were last night pleading with God to have another son, one more in keeping with their beliefs.